Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Snake-Eyes, Coach

Quotes 

• Announcer : The Six Wives of Henry VIII will not be seen at this time. In its place we present another program you could lose your head over.

• Mr. Schidtler : This history paper is a disgrace. I can not believe the idiocy of some of your statements. Look, you have Paul Revere back in ancient Italy running around on that horse warning the Romans that the Goth's are coming. Wait a minute - George Washington crossing the Delaware on a wind surfing board? Get this goody - Marco Polo using the personal computer to figure out the cost of the Boston Tea Party. Would you please tell me the meanings of this?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, I was just trying to be a great man, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : "A great man?"

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, yeah. Well, you said that all the great men throughout history were the ones that CHANGED history; so, I changed history.

  Mr. Schidtler : [to the camera]  Where does the school board get them and why do they keep sending them to me?

• Snake-Eyes : All right, you kids back there! Shut up!

  Christine McGlade : You know, it's time we took a stand against that bus driver.

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah. I m... I mean, all throughout history the downtrodden have risen up and overthrown a tormentor.

  Christine McGlade : Exactly!

  Marjorie Silcoff : Yeah!

  Christine McGlade : Exactly! Well... well, let's revolt!

  Alasdair Gillis : Good idea!

  [Excitedly, the kids get up and throw Snake-Eyes off the bus] 

• Marjorie Silcoff : What IS this?

  Barth Baggs : Uh, ooo, that is, uh, d'yan old family dish. Yeah, goes back to, nn-nn, the Civil War.

  Marjorie Silcoff : But why would your family pass on a recipe THIS awful?

  Barth Baggs : Who said anything about passing on a recipe? This FOOD goes back to the Civil War.

• Lance Prevort : [walking in on Alasdair vacuuming]  ALASDAIR! Whaada ya think you're doin'? Shouldn't you be hangin' around some video arcade somewhere?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, Dad, I just wanna stay home and do the dishes and vacuum.

  Lance Prevort : Never mind. Never mind. No-no-no. You go on down to that video arcade - and you're goin' NOW - and I'll do the vacuuming and the dishes.

  Alasdair Gillis : But, Dad, I can't. I've got tons of history homework to do.

  Lance Prevort : I'll do that, too, after I do the vacuuming and the dishes.

• Christine McGlade : I'm reading about Marie Antoinette.

  Ross Ewich : Marie Ant... I know her. Dhat was the queen got her head lopped off by the guillotine.

  Christine McGlade : Yeah. Were you there?

  Ross Ewich : No. Come on. That's a couple hundred years ago.

  Christine McGlade : Well, couldn't you get tickets?

• Nasti : Vhadda ya vant?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, who was that guy I saw you with earlier?

  Nasti : Ohh, him. You know, he was some kind of hishtorian. He said this castle has some historical importance. Apparently a bunch of big shots used to hang around here during the Spanish Inquisition.

  Alasdair Gillis : So, what did he want?

  Nasti : He wants to conduct tours through here once in a vhile.

  Alasdair Gillis : Uh, then that means you'll be lettin' me go free, right?

  Nasti : Are you kidding? You're gonna be vun of dhe main attractions. Yeah, sure. I'm gonna call it "Spanish Inquisition Tortures," and YOU will help vit' dhe demonstrations.

• Nasti : Oh, Alasdair? Remember vhen I vos telling you about dhat guy who vanted to make a tourist attraction out of this castle because of the Inquisition?

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah, and you're gonna demonstrate all the torture equipment on me, right?

  Nasti : Mm-hm, vell, dhat's all been changed now. Dhis has been declared an historical site.

  Alasdair Gillis : Excellent! That means you're gonna let me go free, right? Blue skies, Barfy Burgers, GIRLS!

  Nasti : No, no-no-no-no-no. Ve can't do that. You see, the Bureau of Historical Monuments has a RULE about dhis.

  Alasdair Gillis : A rule about lettin' me go free?

  Nasti : No-no-no. Dhe rule is: we can't change a single thing. Looks like you're in for the long haul, kid.

• Christine McGlade : Why do we have to study history, anyway. It's so boring. I mean, who cares what happened in 1776?

  Mr. Schidtler : Unless we study history, we are condemned to repeat it.

  Christine McGlade : Yeah, but, sir, we DO repeat it, right now. There's still wars; there's still oppression; there's still corruption in high places.

  Mr. Schidtler : That's not what I meant. Unless you start studying your history, you are going to repeat it - next year - AGAIN!

• Alasdair Gillis : You remember when you told me that you got kicked out of school for mouthing off at the principal?

  Lance Prevort : [fondly]  Ah-ha, yeah-heh-heh. I was the class hero.

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah, well, it's really amazing how history can sometimes repeat itself.

  Valerie Prevort : You see what happens when you encourage them?

• Alasdair Gillis : You know, Barth's been around for quite a long time, and he really has an interesting history.

  Todd Corrigan : Oh, yeah?

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah. See, back in the 1930's, his dad opened up a burger joint in India, and I'm positive Mahatma Ghandi ate there.

  Todd Corrigan : How do you know that?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, why else would he start fasting?

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

  Todd Corrigan : That's probably why he had to wear a big diaper.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that, too!

• Announcer : This episode of You Can't Do That On Television is now history. Thank goodness!