- Kevin Schenk: Hey, Moose, have you ever watched our writers type? They type like lightning.
- Christine McGlade: That figures. Have you ever seen the damage that lighting can do?
- Announcer: Mr. Rogers: Neighborhood Pusher will not be seen today in order that we may bring you the following "weedy" program.
- [In a nondescript alley, a shady deal goes down between an addict and his pusher]
- Kevin Schenk: You got the stuff?
- Kevin Somers: That depends.
- Kevin Schenk: On what?
- Kevin Somers: You got the money?
- Kevin Schenk: Yeah, right here.
- Kevin Somers: Hey, what's this? It's only ten bucks!
- Kevin Schenk: That's the price, isn't it?
- Kevin Somers: It's gone up, kid. It's twenty bucks this week.
- Kevin Schenk: [whining] Oh, listen, I gotta have it.
- Kevin Somers: That's tough.
- Kevin Schenk: Tomorrow. I'll get you the money tomorrow.
- Kevin Somers: Forget it.
- Kevin Schenk: Look, here's this watch I got for Christmas. Must be sixty dollars.
- Kevin Somers: What'm I gonna do with a watch?
- Kevin Schenk: It's just collateral till I get you the money tomorrow. Look, man, I GOTTA HAVE IT.
- Kevin Somers: Uh... All right, kid. I guess so - but it's only 'cause I like ya.
- Kevin Schenk: [relieved to hear it] Ah...
- Kevin Somers: [handing over a pie] Here ya go.
- Kevin Schenk: Ah, thanks, man.
- [Schenk straightaway splats himself in the face with the pie and sighs with great relief]
- Kevin Somers: Oh... You sicko.
- Christine McGlade: As you may have guessed, this week's show is about drugs, except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air - you can't do that on television!
- Christine McGlade: [on pie addiction] I just don't see the point. You spend ALL your money on pies, you mess yourself up, your clothes, your schoolwork suffers, you get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
- Kevin Schenk: Listen, sister, don't knock it till you've tried it.
- Mr. Schidtler: Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?
- Mike Lyon: No, sir.
- Mr. Schidtler: Why not? D'you know the answers?
- Mike Lyon: No, sir.
- Mr. Schidtler: Oh. Wanna have a look at mine?
- Kevin Somers: You know, I thought to myself "I'll do the guard a big favor and let him push a custard pie into my face."
- Nasti: [chuckling] No, no, no. None o' dhat stuff, Somers. You just stick wi' dhat cold turkey.
- Kevin Somers: Ah, come on, you know you'd enjoy the cruelty of pushing a custard pie into my face.
- Nasti: Mm-hm-hm, no way, no way. No, we'll see ya around.
- [Nasti exits]
- Kevin Somers: Ah, come on! I gotta have a pie! I GOTTA! Ah...
- Nasti: [returning with a pie] Ohhh, all right. I'm gonna take pity on you, Somers. You know what I'm gonna do?
- Kevin Somers: [eagerly] What?
- Nasti: Put the pie right down dhere vhere you can look at it.
- [Nasti sets the pie on a stool right in front of Somers]
- Kevin Somers: But that's torture!
- Nasti: I know. Have a good day.
- El Capitano: Are you ready for your execution?
- Kevin Somers: [dejectedly] Yeah.
- El Capitano: Mm, good, dhen here ees your gun.
- Kevin Somers: What's this for?
- El Capitano: Well, you splat yourself in de face with pies, don't you?
- Kevin Somers: Yeah, so?
- El Capitano: Hm-mm-mm. Well, we figure anybody who is stupid enough to push a pie into his own face is dumb enough to shoot himself.
- Kevin Somers: [easily] Oh, okay.
- El Capitano: Right. Ready?
- Kevin Somers: [cocking gun] Yup!
- El Capitano: Aim!
- [Somers, with some enthusiasm, puts the gun to his head]
- Mike Lyon: [placing his order at Barth's Burgery] And I'll have a triple-cheese Barthy and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
- Barth Baggs: Uh-huh. Good.
- Christine McGlade: Whadda you need Pepto Bismol for? Do you have a stomach ache?
- Mike Lyon: Not yet.
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- El Capitano: Ready! Aim!
- Kevin Somers: Wait! Wait!
- El Capitano: Oh, no. What is it NOW!
- Kevin Somers: Have you got a pin?
- El Capitano: A pin! What do you want a pin for?
- Kevin Somers: Well, you see, I got this splinter in my foot...
- El Capitano: Oh.
- Kevin Somers: ...and I need a pin to get it out.
- El Capitano: Well, the only pin I have is here in my, uh, hand grenade. Um, I don't know whether...
- Kevin Somers: [taking pin] That'll do.
- El Capitano: Oh.
- Kevin Somers: I'll just go over here where the light's better and... and try and get it out, all right?
- El Capitano: Okay, but hurry.
- El Capitano: [suddenly aware he's holding a live grenade] HURRY!
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, boy, are you kiddies in luck today!
- Kevin Schenk: Ohhh, nooo...
- Barth Baggs: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna start givin' away treats like the big burger chains do.
- Angie Coddett: All right! Free balloons!
- Barth Baggs: No.
- Kevin Schenk: Coloring books!
- Barth Baggs: No.
- Christine McGlade: Plastic toys!
- Barth Baggs: No.
- Mike Lyon: Machine guns!
- Barth Baggs: No, no, listen...
- [For show & tell, Angie brings in her pet dragon]
- Mr. Schidtler: [frightened] Angie! Does he eat people?
- Angie Coddett: No, just teachers.
- Police Interrogator: All right, kid. I was sent t' this town to clean it up and I intend t' do it.
- Kevin Somers: [tied to a chair] What's that got to do with me? You got nothin' on me, copper.
- Police Interrogator: Oh, yeah? Tell me another one, kid. What do you know about THIS?
- Kevin Somers: [looks at pie] Never seen it before in my life.
- Police Interrogator: Ha! This cream matches the cream that was found in your pocket. And another thing, whadda you know about this?
- [spills bucket of slime into Kevin's lap]
- Kevin Somers: [squirming in chair] Hey! Hey, watch it! That stuff's dangerous! A guy could get hooked on THAT stuff!
- Police Interrogator: Yeah, but you don't mind sploshin' it t' little kids, do ya, huh?
- [Sloshes more into Kevin's lap]
- Police Interrogator: Your type makes me sick! I was sent here to clean up this town, and I intend t' DO it!
- Kevin Somers: No.
- [Pours water over Kevin then splats a pie onto to his head before rubbing filling into his face]
- Police Interrogator: [conversationally] Ya see, kid, as a plainclothesman it's my duty...