You Can't Do That on Television (TV Series)
Drugs (1981)
Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Cop
Quotes
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Announcer : Mr. Rogers: Neighborhood Pusher will not be seen today in order that we may bring you the following "weedy" program.
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Mr. Schidtler : Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?
Mike Lyon : No, sir.
Mr. Schidtler : Why not? D'you know the answers?
Mike Lyon : No, sir.
Mr. Schidtler : Oh. Wanna have a look at mine?
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Kevin Somers : You know, I thought to myself "I'll do the guard a big favor and let him push a custard pie into my face."
Nasti : [chuckling] No, no, no. None o' dhat stuff, Somers. You just stick wi' dhat cold turkey.
Kevin Somers : Ah, come on, you know you'd enjoy the cruelty of pushing a custard pie into my face.
Nasti : Mm-hm-hm, no way, no way. No, we'll see ya around.
[Nasti exits]
Kevin Somers : Ah, come on! I gotta have a pie! I GOTTA! Ah...
Nasti : [returning with a pie] Ohhh, all right. I'm gonna take pity on you, Somers. You know what I'm gonna do?
Kevin Somers : [eagerly] What?
Nasti : Put the pie right down dhere vhere you can look at it.
[Nasti sets the pie on a stool right in front of Somers]
Kevin Somers : But that's torture!
Nasti : I know. Have a good day.
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El Capitano : Are you ready for your execution?
Kevin Somers : [dejectedly] Yeah.
El Capitano : Mm, good, dhen here ees your gun.
Kevin Somers : What's this for?
El Capitano : Well, you splat yourself in de face with pies, don't you?
Kevin Somers : Yeah, so?
El Capitano : Hm-mm-mm. Well, we figure anybody who is stupid enough to push a pie into his own face is dumb enough to shoot himself.
Kevin Somers : [easily] Oh, okay.
El Capitano : Right. Ready?
Kevin Somers : [cocking gun] Yup!
El Capitano : Aim!
[Somers, with some enthusiasm, puts the gun to his head]
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Mike Lyon : [placing his order at Barth's Burgery] And I'll have a triple-cheese Barthy and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Barth Baggs : Uh-huh. Good.
Christine McGlade : Whadda you need Pepto Bismol for? Do you have a stomach ache?
Mike Lyon : Not yet.
Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!
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El Capitano : Ready! Aim!
Kevin Somers : Wait! Wait!
El Capitano : Oh, no. What is it NOW!
Kevin Somers : Have you got a pin?
El Capitano : A pin! What do you want a pin for?
Kevin Somers : Well, you see, I got this splinter in my foot...
El Capitano : Oh.
Kevin Somers : ...and I need a pin to get it out.
El Capitano : Well, the only pin I have is here in my, uh, hand grenade. Um, I don't know whether...
Kevin Somers : [taking pin] That'll do.
El Capitano : Oh.
Kevin Somers : I'll just go over here where the light's better and... and try and get it out, all right?
El Capitano : Okay, but hurry.
El Capitano : [suddenly aware he's holding a live grenade] HURRY!
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Barth Baggs : Dyah, boy, are you kiddies in luck today!
Kevin Schenk : Ohhh, nooo...
Barth Baggs : Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna start givin' away treats like the big burger chains do.
Angie Coddett : All right! Free balloons!
Barth Baggs : No.
Kevin Schenk : Coloring books!
Barth Baggs : No.
Christine McGlade : Plastic toys!
Barth Baggs : No.
Mike Lyon : Machine guns!
Barth Baggs : No, no, listen...
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[For show & tell, Angie brings in her pet dragon]
Mr. Schidtler : [frightened] Angie! Does he eat people?
Angie Coddett : No, just teachers.
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Police Interrogator : All right, kid. I was sent t' this town to clean it up and I intend t' do it.
Kevin Somers : [tied to a chair] What's that got to do with me? You got nothin' on me, copper.
Police Interrogator : Oh, yeah? Tell me another one, kid. What do you know about THIS?
Kevin Somers : [looks at pie] Never seen it before in my life.
Police Interrogator : Ha! This cream matches the cream that was found in your pocket. And another thing, whadda you know about this?
[spills bucket of slime into Kevin's lap]
Kevin Somers : [squirming in chair] Hey! Hey, watch it! That stuff's dangerous! A guy could get hooked on THAT stuff!
Police Interrogator : Yeah, but you don't mind sploshin' it t' little kids, do ya, huh?
[Sloshes more into Kevin's lap]
Police Interrogator : Your type makes me sick! I was sent here to clean up this town, and I intend t' DO it!
Kevin Somers : No.
[Pours water over Kevin then splats a pie onto to his head before rubbing filling into his face]
Police Interrogator : [conversationally] Ya see, kid, as a plainclothesman it's my duty...
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Announcer : This has been a Pie In The Face Production.
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Doctor : [quickly counting Kevin Schenk's toes] 1-2-3-4-5-6.