- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't play world of warcraft...
- Eric Cartman: Butters, you said that you're on your computer all the time.
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, but I'm playing hello kitty island adventure!
- Eric Cartman: Ugh... Butters, go buy world of warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you!
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: O-oh... Al-alright then!
- Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too?
- Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time!
- Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft...
- Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
- Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...?
- Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
- Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars...
- Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...?
- Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow...
- Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
- Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters...
- Blizzard Exec #1: Fellow board members, we have a problem. Somebody in the world of warcraft is ignoring the world rules, and is going around, killing innocent players.
- Blizzard Exec #2: Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests!
- Blizzard Exec #3: We've got to delete him from the servers!
- Blizzard Exec #1: We can't! Whoever this player is, he has played world of warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we had thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins! And he grows stronger everyday...
- Blizzard Exec #4: Jesus!
- Blizzard Exec #5: I've gotta get home! My kids are playing world of warcraft right now!
- Blizzard Exec #1: Jim... Your kids' characters are already dead.
- Blizzard Exec #5: No... No! They'd just started playing!
- Blizzard Exec #2: What kind of person would do this?
- Blizzard Exec #1: Only one kind... Whoever this person is, he has played world of warcraft nearly ever hour, of every day, for the past year and a half. Gentlemen we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
- Blizzard Exec #4: How do you kill that which has no life?
- Eric Cartman: You can just hang around outside in the sun all day, tossing a ball around, or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters!
- Blizzard Exec #1: Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the world... of warcraft.
- Blizzard Exec #2: NO! NOOO!
- Eric Cartman: [about to get killed in World of Warcraft] No! I don't want have to start over in the graveyard!
- [the four World of Warcraft characters walk through the land of Azeroth]
- Cartman: I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
- Kyle: [female mage] Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
- Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.
- Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's *that* guy again!
- [a rogue griefer approaches them and begins to dance, wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves and tight shorts]
- Kyle: Who is this?
- Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
- Cartman: [angry at the griefer] Get out of here, asshole!
- Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
- Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
- [the griefer's character stabs Kenny the hunter, killing him instantly]
- Stan: [shocked] Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
- Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, making a fist and holding it up for emphasis] You bastard!
- [the griefer kills both Kyle the mage and Stan the warrior]
- Cartman: [furious at the griefer] Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?
- [the griefer begins generating mana power]
- Cartman: [running off] No! I don't want to start over at the graveyard!
- [the griefer shoots a fireball at Cartman the dwarf]
- Cartman: No!
- [the fireball hits Cartman, killing him instantly; at his room, Cartman looks stunned and throws down his headset]
- Cartman: That son of a bitch!
- Kyle: [scene shifts to Gerald's den] Who is that guy?
- [scene shifts to Randy's den]
- Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.
- [scenes from World of Warcraft are shown; various beings mill around, then the camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf with a mallet walks into view]
- Cartman: [the dwarf] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
- Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart.
- [POV switches to other characters; a blue warrior, a female green mage and an orange hunter stand around waiting for the dwarf, who walks into the group]
- Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
- Stan: [the blue warrior with a sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
- Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
- Kyle: [the female green mage] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
- Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
- Kenny: [the orange hunter, muffled] I think Kyle has fake titties, ha ha!
- Cartman: [laughing] Totally, heheh.
- Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
- [his character walks off, and the others follow her]
- Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan?
- [Stan stops]
- Randy Marsh: Staaan?
- Stan: Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
- [Stan's character waits for his father Randy to show up]
- [the team of World of Warcraft characters face off against the rogue griefer, who starts killing them off with his summoned scorpions]
- Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the blond warrior, arriving] Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?
- [Stan's character turns around]
- Stan: [surprised] Dad?
- Randy Marsh: Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
- Stan: [angry] Dad, get off our teamspeak line!
- [Valkorn walks off, and the griefer kills Token the black rogue]
- Token: [angry] That's it, I'm dead!
- [the griefer kills Stan the warrior]
- Stan: [throws off his headset] That's it, screw this game!
- Cartman: [backing away] Now, leave me alone, don't do that...
- [the griefer electrocutes Cartman the dwarf with his dagger through the mallet, killing him and skipping away]
- Cartman: [furiously throws off his headset] God-fucking-dammit!
- [meanwhile in the apartment, the griefer just keeps plugging along]
- [back in battle, the griefer sees Stan the warrior about to get the Sword of a Thousand Truths from Valkorn]
- Cartman: [the dwarf, alarmed and turning to Stan] Stan, what the hell are you doing?
- [the griefer runs to Stan and Valkorn, about to strike them]
- Stan: [clutching the new sword] I got it!
- [the griefer stabs Valkorn, who screams in pain]
- Stan: [shocked] Dad!
- Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, moaning] Stan...
- [he falls down face first]
- Stan: Dad, no!
- [he turns around to face the griefer]
- Stan: You killed my father!
- [he walks up to the griefer and strikes him with one blow of the sword; the griefer's defenses start to crack]
- Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
- Kyle: [female mage] Attack!
- [Kenny the hunter shoots an arrow into the griefer's chest; the griefer picks up Stan's old sword and Kyle fires an energy ball at the griefer, disabling him and having him fall to the ground on all fours]
- Cartman: [approaching the griefer's character] Looks like you're about to get powned.
- [he swings back and pulls the mallet forward]
- Cartman: Heeyahh!
- [the mallet smashes the head of the griefer's character into bits, while the griefer, in his apartment, is shocked that he is out of the game for good]
- President of Blizzard Entertainment: Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who... has absolutely no life.
- Thomas the Board Member: [with Zen air] How do you kill that which has no life?
- Eric Cartman: We've learned the the four of us can't fight him alone, but if we all log in together, we might have a chance.
- Token: Hey yeah!
- Jimmy Volmer: We can really stick to that ass... munch.
- Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him. Not even with all of us, it's a waste of time.
- Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to try.
- Clyde: I've got better things to do.
- Eric Cartman: Clyde, Clyde, if you had the chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't; however, because I think it was awesome, but you would, right?
- Clyde: I'm just gonna stop playing.
- Eric Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, a lot of people just stopped playing. And you know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
- Clyde: No.
- Eric Cartman: Voulez-vous cous chez avec-moi, Clyde?
- Clyde: Alright, alright, I'll do it.
- Jimmy Volmer: So what's the plan?
- Eric Cartman: Alright, log in tonight on your computers at precisely 7:30. We will meet here, near the planes of the Elwin Forest near West Fall. My friends, to victory!
- [a group of World of Warcraft characters are planning to defeat the griefer; Cartman the dwarf is marshaling his forces]
- Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on Defensive Stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his Intellect Buff.
- Token: [black human rogue] Okay.
- Craig: [Gnome mage] Got it.
- Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you have all your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
- Jimmy Volmer: [Night Elf hunter with a beard] All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
- Timmy: [human priest] Tim-maahh!
- Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with...
- Butters: [arrives in the same dwarf form as Cartman's] Hey fellas!
- [Cartman's dwarf looks over, surprised]
- Butters: Boy, this is neato, huh?
- Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
- Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
- Cartman: [angry] You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
- Butters: Well, there's like only four races to choose from...
- Cartman: [shouts] So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
- Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more than this stuff.
- Stan: [warrior] Come on, let's do this!
- Clyde: [second Night Elf hunter] Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
- Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out!
- [the others charge after him]
- [the World of Warcraft characters have just defeated the griefer; Stan the warrior throws away the Sword of a Thousand Truths and walks up to his father's dying character]
- Stan: [shaking Randy] Dad? Dad?
- Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, answering] Staaan.
- [falters a bit, but Stan holds him up]
- Randy Marsh: I've never been able to say this before, but... I love you, son.
- Stan: I know you do, Dad.
- [Valkorn swats Stan's hand away, then moans a bit and dies]
- [the World of Warcraft characters are fighting the griefer without stop]
- Cartman: [dwarf] Kyle! Fire spell!
- Kyle: [female mage, about to cast a spell] Aaaa...
- [starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out]
- Kyle: Ah! Huh?
- [she grabs her right wrist with her left hand]
- Stan: [warrior, shocked] Kyle!
- [back at Cartman's basement, Kyle leaves his desk and grabs his right hand, flexing his right wrist around; Stan leaves his desk and approaches]
- Stan: Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
- Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's... uuugh!
- [pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing it and stretching his fingers]
- Stan: Oh, Jesus, he got it bad!
- Cartman: [walks over] Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
- [waddles over to Kenny's desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back, squirts some of it onto Kyle's wrist, and rubs it in]
- Stan: Hurry, dude!
- Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can!
- Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.
- Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.
- Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on!
- [he and Cartman help Kyle back into his computer]
- [the boys are still playing in Cartman's basement]
- Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead.
- Cartman: Kyle, cast Arcane Missle.
- Kyle: I'm out of Mana, I told you.
- [back at the game, Stan the warrior pulls further away from the battle with the griefer]
- Stan: I've gotta heal.
- [he turns around to see the battle]
- Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan!
- [Stan the warrior looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around to see Randy's character Valkorn running toward him]
- Stan: Dad? Not now!
- Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior] Stan! I've been sent here... to bring you this.
- [he holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft]
- Randy Marsh: This sword can completely drain his Mana.
- Stan: Dad, how did you get that?
- Randy Marsh: No time! Just take it! Here!
- [he finds that the sword stays fixed to his left hand]
- Randy Marsh: ...How... how do you hand something from one player to another?
- Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
- Randy Marsh: Okay.
- [Stan throws away his old sword to get the new one]
- Nelson: Randy, you working on that sediment analysis?
- Randy Marsh: Now now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're going to go and explore the Tower of Azora together.
- Nelson: Is that a computer game?
- Randy Marsh: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see?
- [waves]
- Randy Marsh: Hello! In the outside world, I am a simple geologist... but in here, I am Valkorn, Defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo Deep Mine, and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's Landing.
- [griefer appears and kills Randy's character]
- Nelson: Hmm. Looks like that guy just killed you.
- Randy Marsh: What? Why? WHY?
- Randy Marsh: Stan! Stan!
- Stan Marsh: Hang on guys, my dad wants something.
- Randy Marsh: Stan!
- Stan Marsh: What?
- Stan Marsh: You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
- Stan Marsh: I am socializing r-tard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG, with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using teamspeak.
- [pause]
- Randy Marsh: [hurt] I'm not an r-tard.
- Blizzard Exec #1: Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life.
- Randy Marsh: Stan? Stan? Stan!
- Stan Marsh: What?
- Randy Marsh: You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go on socialize with your friends?
- Stan Marsh: I am socializing, r-tard! I'm logged onto to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak.
- [beat]
- Randy Marsh: [dejected] I'm not a r-tard.