- Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
- Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
- Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
- Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?
- Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me.
- Adrian Monk: [about his new office] Natalie, you can't afford this.
- Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
- Adrian Monk: *I* can't afford this!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
- Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement."
- Natalie Teeger: You can't swim?
- Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
- Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
- Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
- [He gives Natalie a little card from his wallet]
- Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
- Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
- Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
- Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?
- [Monk gets so bored with waiting for a case that he calls Natalie's desk phone from his desk phone about ten feet away]
- Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigation. What is the nature of your problem?
- Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.
- Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped... uh, do you know who did it ?
- Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant, her name is Natalie... Teeger.
- [as he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to reveal Monk talking on his desk phone]
- Natalie Teeger: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
- Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.
- [They don't see Linda Fusco enter]
- Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?
- Lt. Randall Disher: The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
- Linda Fusco: [sarcastically] Tell me something I don't know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drolly] The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
- Linda Fusco: [perplexed] Pardon me?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know, and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.
- [Natalie, Stottlemeyer, and Disher finally locate Monk in the sea]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
- Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
- Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, Lt. Randall Disher, Natalie Teeger: Uhhh...