Family Guy (TV Series)

Barely Legal (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?

  Brian Griffin : Uh, ok

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.

  Brian Griffin : It's Cool Whip

  Stewie Griffin : That's what I said, Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Cool Whip

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Cool Whip

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?

  Stewie Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Say whip

  Stewie Griffin : Whip

  Brian Griffin : Now say Cool Whip

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Cool Whip!

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : Cool Whip!

  Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip

  Brian Griffin : You're eating HAIR!

• Brian Griffin : [drunk, to Connie]  Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?

• Meg Griffin : Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile.

  [uses the H in "while"] 

  Brian Griffin : Wait, what did you say?

  Meg Griffin : I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."

  Brian Griffin : A while.

  Meg Griffin : A wHile.

  Brian Griffin : A while.

  Meg Griffin : A wHile.

  Brian Griffin : A while.

  Meg Griffin : Brian, you're acting whierd.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!

• Meg Griffin : Hi, honey.

  [to Brian] 

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Meg Griffin : I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.

  Brian Griffin : Yeahhh

  Meg Griffin : You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!

  Brian Griffin : Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"

  Meg Griffin : I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.

  Brian Griffin : Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!

  Chris Griffin : [Chris walks by]  We do?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!

  Chris Griffin : Masturbate?

  Brian Griffin : That's it, that's what we're going to do together.

  Chris Griffin : Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

• Brian Griffin : [after kissing Meg, Brian throws up]  Don't worry, that was the booze, not you.

  [pause] 

  Brian Griffin : Are you gonna eat that?

• Brian Griffin : The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.

  Brian Griffin : Well, uh, I think it's more than that. Uh... so, here's the thing, and don't get mad. And that part I can't stress enough. That's a great shirt, by the way. Um, I may have made out with Meg.

  [pause, then Lois punches Brian] 

  Brian Griffin : Okay, I had the coming.

  Lois Griffin : What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?

  Brian Griffin : Look, I was drinking...

  Lois Griffin : Oh, what a shock!

  Brian Griffin : [sarcastically laughs]  Look, the short version is, this morning, she made me eat her hair pie...

  [Lois punches him again] 

  Brian Griffin : No, It's not what you think. Stewie had some, too.

  [Lois punches him again] 

  Brian Griffin : Stop punching me!

• Connie D'Amico : You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.

  Brian Griffin : You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.

  Connie D'Amico : Excuse me?

  Meg Griffin : Brian let's just go.

  Brian Griffin : No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

• Meg Griffin : Hey Brian!

  Brian Griffin : Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.

  Brian Griffin : Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?

  Meg Griffin : Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Meg Griffin : My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?

• Peter Griffin : Holy crap! What the hell!

  Joe Swanson : Brian, she's a teenager!

  Peter Griffin : Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement

• [Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom] 

  Lois Griffin : Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.

  [cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters] 

  Lois Griffin : Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?

  Brian Griffin : [nervous and obviously lying]  Uh... no, why?

  Lois Griffin : [irritated]  Don't lie to me, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : I'm not lying.

  [Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment] 

• Stewie Griffin : [referring to Meg]  Here she is! Brian, I present to you, you're polished turd for the evening.

• Peter Griffin : [to Joe]  Come on, we'll be great cops. Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.

  [cutaway to Peter and three other men sitting in a decompression chamber] 

  Peter Griffin : Well, we got a long time in this decompression chamber. Uh, you guys mind if I turn on the radio?

  [Peter starts turning a knob that releases the pressure in the chamber] 

  Man #1 : Peter, don't!

  [the pressure changes so drastically to the point that all of their eyes pop out and are now hanging by their optic nerves] 

  Man #2 : Oh, nice going, jackass!

  Man #1 : Oh, look what you did!

  Man #3 : Aw, come on, you jerk!

  Peter Griffin : Hey, hey. Excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right?

  Man #1 : You idiot, use your brain.

  Peter Griffin : You're an idiot.

  [All four start a slap fight until Peter and Man #2's eyes become tangled together] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey! Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

• [Meg has just come through the front door and flopped down on the couch next to Brian, sobbing] 

  Brian Griffin : [awkwardly]  Uh, so... Meg... how was school?

  Meg Griffin : It was horrible! There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. Even my back-up guy had plans!

  [cutaway to Meg talking to her would-be date at his front door] 

  Meg Griffin : Hi, Jimmy. Um, I heard you didn't have a date to the dance and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.

  Jimmy : Oh, uh... I, uh... hang on.

  [Jimmy runs inside and closes the door; two gunshots are heard; Jimmy opens the door, crying] 

  Jimmy : I'd love to go, Meg, but... I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.