- [while Odie is admired and complimented by folks outside]
- Garfield: It figures. Dumb people like dumb animals.
- Jon Arbuckle: [brings a bowl of food] I have a special treat for someone.
- Garfield: Special treat? I hope it's lasagna or chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream or maybe both mixed together.
- Jon Arbuckle: [places the bowl down on the floor] Here you go, fella.
- Garfield: Aw, Jon's always been so nice to me. So caring, so thoughtful.
- [Odie comes and begins eating the food in the bowl, and Jon walks off]
- Garfield: [to Odie] I hope your teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.
- Garfield: [walks past Floyd] Hi, Floyd. Haven't seen you on the show this season.
- [Floyd is busy setting up his house and doesn't notice Garfield]
- Garfield: I said, "Hi, Floyd"!
- Floyd Mouse: [startled] Yipes! Oh, hiya, Garfield.
- Garfield: Even mice don't notice me.
- Floyd Mouse: Hey, how's Odie these days?
- Garfield: How's Odie? Why don't you ask how I am? Nobody pays attention to me!
- Garfield: This is one of those days when it doesn't pay to get out of bed. Maybe even one of those weeks.
- Floyd Mouse: Some people like dogs.
- Garfield: A lesser cat would feel threatened by Odie's popularity, but I'm too big to let it bother me. Besides, my favorite show's on.
- [Garfield turns on the TV]
- Announcer: [on TV] Ladies and gentlemen, Odie and Friends!
- Garfield: ODIE and Friends?
- [to Floyd]
- Garfield: We are very close to the end of civilization as we know it.
- Floyd Mouse: [after watching the theme to Odie and Friends] What a disgusting, insulting, unfair TV show, but it's a hit, though.
- Booker: The saying is "starve a cold, feed a fever."
- Sheldon: No, it isn't. It's "feed a cold, starve a fever."
- Roy Rooster: How about "feed a rooster, starve an egg", Shell-brain?
- [Orson dreams of him and his crew as Star Trek characters]
- Lanolin: [as Nyota Uhura] We just got a distress call, but there was a lot of static and then some clicks and then they hung up.
- Orson Pig: [as Captain Kirk] What do you think that means, Wade?
- Wade Duck: [as Dr. McCoy] How should I know? I'm a duck, not the widget to alignment!
- Roy Rooster: [as Hikaru Sulu] Surely we're not diverting our course to find out who made that call.
- Orson Pig: Since our five-year mission is to go where nobody's ever been before, we must check it out. And don't call me Shirley.
- [Booker, as Pavel Chekov, speaks to Roy in Russian]
- Roy Rooster: What did he say?
- Orson Pig: It was "That'll teach you to shut your beak, Capitalist comb head."
- [Orson, Sheldon, and Wade leave to investigate while Roy, Bo, Lanolin, and Booker stay to run the ship]
- Roy Rooster: We never get to go anywhere.
- Lanolin: Yeah, some people have all the fun.
- [Booker says something in Russian]
- Roy Rooster: What did he say?
- Bo: He said, like, What a bourgeois bummer, man.
- Lanolin: Flunked Russian at the space academy, didn't ya?
- [Orson tells his crew to beam up an object the Porkons dropped]
- Roy Rooster: Surely you're not gonna bring it aboard.
- Orson Pig: We've got no choice if we want to find out what it is, and stop calling me Shirley.
- [Orson, who has recovered from his cold, is wearing a space suit while taking care of his friends, who have all caught his cold]
- Roy Rooster: Surely you gotta have some dishes.
- Orson Pig: I do... and don't call me Shirley.
- Announcer: Yes, It Must Be True. The show that tells you all sorts of incredible things, which, since they're on television, must be true.
- Garfield: You know how they make raisins? Don't believe that story about sun-dried grapes. Actually, they shrink down bowling balls.
- Garfield: Remember, you can believe everything you ever hear anyone say on TV. No one on TV ever lies.
- Garfield: For our last item tonight, an incredible but true fact about dogs. Dogs have no brains.
- [shows an x-ray of Odie]
- Garfield: Observe this x-ray. See? Nothing, nada, empty. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
- [Odie whimpers as Garfield removes the x-ray]
- Garfield: Remember that, folks. Dogs have no brains. If we say it on television, it must be true.
- [Garfield hears barking and growling, then is shocked to see that the audience is filled with many dogs, all whom are furious about his remark]
- Garfield: Uh, no brains... and they... and they never harm cats.
- [terrified, Garfield flees]
- Garfield: Because cats are poisonous! Chomp a cat and you die!
- [the dogs chase Garfield into a stage room and the door closes]
- Garfield: All cats know karate!
- [the dogs start beating up on Garfield]
- Garfield: Dogs love cats! It's true!
- [the dogs continue beating Garfield]
- Garfield: Help!
- [the thrashing stops, the door opens, and a bruised Garfield walks out]
- Garfield: I will never lie again.
- [Garfield collapses]
- Announcer: That's right. He will never lie again. And remember, if they said it on television, it must be...
- Garfield: Oh, shut up.