Family Guy (TV Series)

Stewie Loves Lois (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Captain Seamus, Mr. Sulu, Kermit the Frog, Wayne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!

  Lois Griffin : WHAT!

  Stewie Griffin : Hi.

  [Runs off giggling] 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

  Peter Griffin : [Slowly]  I was raped.

  Lois Griffin : [Chuckles]  What?

  Peter Griffin : Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.

  Lois Griffin : [Chuckles harder]  W-What?

  [Peter whispers in her ear] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.

  Peter Griffin : You sound just like him!

  [Runs off, sobbing] 

  Lois Griffin : Fuckin' idiot.

• Peter Griffin : And to think I actually thought you raped me.

  Doctor Hartman : Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!

  Peter Griffin : What!

  Doctor Hartman : [points at Peter and smiles]  Ehhhhh!

  Peter Griffin : [points at Hartman]  Ehhhhh!

  [Audience applauds] 

• Peter Griffin : What the hell was that?

  Dr. Hartman : Mr. Griffin, that was a prostate exam.

  Peter Griffin : Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

• Brian Griffin : Stewie loves Lois!

  Stewie Griffin : Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!

  Brian Griffin : Oh yeah, I do.

• Stewie Griffin : Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

• Stewie Griffin : I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

• Joe Swanson : [at The Drunken Clam]  Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

  Peter Griffin : Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday and... he did things to my fanny!

  Cleveland Brown : Peter, it's okay.

  Peter Griffin : It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

  Cleveland Brown : You're wrong. I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!

  Peter Griffin : He... he did it to you, too?

  Glenn Quagmire : I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig, for his sexual experimentation!

  Joe Swanson : You guys are a bunch of queers.

  [wheels off-screen, then returns, crying] 

  Joe Swanson : And so am I! Oh God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough!

  Peter Griffin : My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this.

  [pause] 

  Peter Griffin : Sphincter.

• Stewie Griffin : Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?

  Lois Griffin : WHAT?

  Stewie Griffin : Hi...

  [runs off giggling] 

• Peter Griffin : [about to receive a prostate exam by Dr. Hartman]  So, how's this work? You just feel my pulse or?

  [as soon as Dr. Hartan pokes his finger up Peter's anal, Peter freaks out]