Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (2006 TV Special)

Bill Engvall: Self

Quotes 

• Bill Engvall : Can't have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. "The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean." Really? You'd think someone would have caught that!

• Bill Engvall : Ever set your hair on fire?

  [Raises hand] 

  Bill Engvall : Me too! And not the hair on my head.

  [Audience laughs, assuming it's the hair in a more "personal" area] 

  Bill Engvall : Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm.

  [Mimes holding a magnifying glass over his arm] 

  Bill Engvall : Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he IS that stupid."

• Bill Engvall : My wife goes, "Bill, you got too much stress," and I said, "I don't got any stress," and she goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane!" Good point. Well, what happened was I got on this plane, it's an early morning flight, and they board us and I take out my Game Boy and start playing it while they are still boarding. Yeah, I know, Lord forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine. I gotta get Scooter to Level 9! But I'm minding my own buisness, playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden, the pilot comes on. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be a little delayed. They didn't put enough gas on the plane." Why would you make that announcement? Make something up! Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs, tell me *something*! Don't tell me we don't got enough gas on the plane. That's like number two on the check list for, "It's OK to takeoff!" Keys, GAS! See, the way the process works in my little brain is that the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window and goes, "Fill 'er up!" Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, "We're going to Vegas, give me 5 bucks, we'll be alright." There's nothing I can do about it, so I just keep playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden the flight addendant walks by and y'all, I might as well've been building a plutonium bomb. She *flips*, and she goes, "Sir, sir! You need to shut that off right now!" I'm 48 years old. Now all of a sudden I'm 6. "Bu-bu-bu... but if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to Level 1!" And then she said it. She said, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is?

  [Rolls eyes] 

  Bill Engvall : I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button." I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is. Do you know where the gas cap is?" And you know, a body cavity search isn't so bad if you just relax...

• [Jeff's picture has been Photoshopped into a gay pride parade] 

  Bill Engvall : What's with the glasses?

  Ron White : You look at that photo and the GLASSES bother you? What about the two sailors in assless chaps? Did you notice them, Bill?

  Jeff Foxworthy : [to Bill, through a fit of laughter]  He's got a point.

• Bill Engvall : My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

• Bill Engvall : For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you'd know the conversation went something like this: "Naw, hell no, don't go in there, that little dog's a setup."

  [pause] 

  Bill Engvall : "I ain't lyin', ask Joe what happened to him!"

• Bill Engvall : I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, "Where you going?", I said, "I've got my yearly physical today." "I'll go with you!" OK, how boring is your day? I'd never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It's not like we'd be breaking any new ground! It's not like I'd go, "Hey Doc, what's that?"

• Bill Engvall : So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee!

• Bill Engvall : Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was "Don't fart!" Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you! 'Cause when you're standing up and you've got gas, you can clench it in. When someone's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you're bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.

• Bill Engvall : My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, "What does he need that for?", and she says, "So he don't got to bend his neck to eat!" I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat! She said, "It helps his digestion!" I said, "His digestion's just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning."

• Bill Engvall : We've got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they're cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it's like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, "That dog's gonna have back problems right there." No kidding! It's got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here's another one, Doc Obvious. That right there's a boy dog and he's 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

• Bill Engvall : Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a basset hound. Duke's the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can't teach that. That's just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn't know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That's why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I'm like, "Duke! Mama needs some lovin'!"

• Bill Engvall : I took Duke to the vet 'cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, "Isn't that unusual?" and he says, "No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it'll make him stop." I said, "What's it do?" He says, "It makes his turds taste bad."

  [lengthy pause as audience is laughing hysterically] 

  Bill Engvall : "I'm sorry, Doc, did you just say 'it will make his turds taste bad'?" Let me tell you something, if you've stooped to eating turds, you've never uttered the phrase, "Oh my God! This is nasty!"

• Bill Engvall : There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!" The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt." And the servant says, "Uh... okay." So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?" And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!" The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!" The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!" The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

• Bill Engvall : I thought I nearly broke my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot. Well, what happened is I bought my son a trampoline. Yeah, you see where this is headed? Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.

• Bill Engvall : Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. 'Cause we're idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn't think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We're straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, "Hey man, older women."

  [Grins] 

  Bill Engvall : "I'll go first." Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I'm flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat's getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, "Thunk!" Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom's in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, "Bill's dead!" About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, "Waaaaaa!" Boy I wish I had've died!

• Bill Engvall : [seeing a picture of Jeff dressed up like Peter Pan]  Dude, you've got to kill your wife.

• Bill Engvall : I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

  [applause] 

  Bill Engvall : Here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine.

  [whoops and hollers] 

  Bill Engvall : [laughing]  Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : I bought a escalator for my house.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : That's how they get you. You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention? All of a sudden, this will catch your eye: "Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Well, now that you mention it, yes I am!

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : And they sell some stupid stuff in there. Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes? And it says "You can aerate your own lawn."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : [laughs]  Okay, how big a loser are you, stomping around your yard? "I'm saving money."

  [stomps around the stage, to raucous laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Don't get me wrong; it works.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.

• Bill Engvall : [telling their favorite jokes with a traditional setup and punchline]  Ronny, you got a joke?

  Ron White : Nope.

  Bill Engvall : All right.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : His... his mind's like a Lazy Susan. If you'll just bear with us, it... it'll come back around here in just a minute.