- Rev. Lovejoy: Lord, we thank You for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and Your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
- Homer Simpson: What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
- Ned Flanders: We Puritans have no place for drunkenness, or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. Bec... oh, no! That was a poem!
- [flogging himself]
- Ned Flanders: Forgive me, Lord! Then pour a little salt in the wounds.
- [doing so and grunting in pain]
- Ned Flanders: And I'm good.
- Marge Simpson: I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.
- Homer Simpson: Stupid Flandish. Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how about a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest?
- Principal Skinner: [as Captain Bligh of the Bounty] Good morning, crew. Welcome to day 718 of our voyage. Today's announcements: first of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman...
- [the crew laughs]
- Principal Skinner: ...I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. And I can assure you there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [hopeful] My father's alive?
- Principal Skinner: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.
- Jimbo Jones: I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad.
- Dolph: This is nothing like the recruiting brochure.
- [he holds up said brochure, with the picture of a sailor with two prostitutes under the title "British Navy - Less Scurvy, More Curvy"]
- Dolph, Kearney, Jimbo Jones: Mmm
- Kearney: Maybe that's what happens on the last day.
- Ned Flanders: Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?
- Moe Szyslak: And here's the knave what's responsible.
- Rev. Lovejoy: [Homer drinks beer straight from the keg] That's all I needed to hear.
- Homer Simpson: [locked in a stock] Oh!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.
- Homer Simpson: But, baby, a man has needs.
- Ned Flanders: Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the New World without you. I, uh, almost regret what we Europeans are gonna do to you.
- Chief Wiggum: What... what are you gonna do?
- Ned Flanders: Oh, give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie. Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?
- Moe Szyslak: Back off, newbie! We're engaged. I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.
- Marge Simpson: We're not engaged. It's really more of an amiable concordance.
- Ned Flanders: Oh! Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such language from a woman. Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!
- [he flogs himself again]
- Marge Simpson: Hurry, my little Puritans. We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways. Do you have your shipboard entertainments?
- Bart Simpson: I've got my toy wood lump.
- [kicking it around like a soccer ball]
- Bart Simpson: What jolly fun.
- Marge Simpson: Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.
- Homer Simpson: [running up the dock] Oh...!
- [pushing people out of the way]
- Homer Simpson: Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!
- [jumping into a barrel]
- Homer Simpson: Hide me! Please, you got to help me. If they find me, they'll kill me.
- Lenny: [with Carl as royal guards, holding a wanted poster of Homer] Has anyone seen this knave?
- Carl: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the King's name is James and not Jacob.
- Lisa Simpson: Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, Lord, thank You for this generous rain and abundant lightning.
- [he gets hit by a lightning bolt]
- Rev. Lovejoy: Obviously, kissing Your ass is getting me nowhere.
- Moe Szyslak: [to Marge] Now, I gotta warn you. Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
- Homer Simpson: She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
- [he starts to cry]
- Bart Simpson: Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
- Homer Simpson: Why, thee little...!
- [as he starts strangling Bart, Marge puts a hand on his shoulder]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to.
- [opening a locket of her late husband choking Bart]
- Marge Simpson: Good times. Whoo! Maybe thou wouldst make a good father.
- Homer Simpson: May I escort you to the railing?
- Moe Szyslak: Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action. If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
- Marge Simpson: Yes, the weather is fair.
- Moe Szyslak: Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!
- [breaking the fourth wall]
- Moe Szyslak: That's how we talk. Weird, huh? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
- Bart Simpson: Captain Bligh, there's a message from Admiral Nelson.
- Principal Skinner: [taking out a telescope] Thank you, Mr. Christian.
- Nelson Muntz: [raising a row of flags] Mm-hmm.
- Principal Skinner: [interpreting] "Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers."
- Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha!
- Principal Skinner: Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do, there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I warned you there'd be mutiny.
- Principal Skinner: Just start rowing, Willie. And sing a round while you do.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Row, row, row your boat gently/Row, row, row/Merrily, merrily, merrily, bound the down/Gently down the... merrily down the... I cannot do it! I'm only one man.
- Principal Skinner: You'll sing or you'll mutiny. And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.
- [cut to him sitting on top of a turtle and Willie rowing away]
- Principal Skinner: Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup. What are you gonna do, go underwater? I'd like to see that.
- [he yelps as the turtle submerges]
- Principal Skinner: You call this deep?
- Homer Simpson: Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.
- Moe Szyslak: Stop calling it that!
- Homer Simpson: Whatever.
- Moe Szyslak: I was saving this booze to mess up the Indians, but, uh, seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste. Say, I know a good drinking game. Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.
- [Homer drinks his beer]
- Moe Szyslak: Oh, you're good at this.
- Homer Simpson: [the Bounty's crew prepares to depart] Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for staying with us. We appreciate you putting cloth over our womens' boobies. You'll receive an updated bill after you leave. Bye-bye.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I wish we were back in Tahiti.
- Principal Skinner: Why, yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation. I order you to forget it.
- [the kids groan]
- Principal Skinner: And while you're working, I want to hear a sea shanty... in a round.
- [the kids sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" unenthusiastically]
- Principal Skinner: [firing his pistol into the air] Rounder! I hear edges!
- [whacking various kids with his sword]
- Principal Skinner: You're off-key! Make that song your own! You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life!
- [he hears guns cocking]
- Principal Skinner: What the...?
- Bart Simpson: Captain, this is a mutiny.
- Principal Skinner: [chuckling nervously] Let's not be hasty there. Uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box?
- Dolph: We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.
- [the shot pans over to Martin's head hanging on a door, his mouth stuffed with scraps of paper]
- Rev. Lovejoy: Our captain's be-head-bumped. Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, when we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.
- Lisa Simpson: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.
- Bart Simpson: 31 + 43?
- Lisa Simpson: 74.
- Rev. Lovejoy, Bart Simpson, Moe Szyslak, Groundskeeper Willie: Witch, witch, witch!
- Homer Simpson: People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later. Right now, I've got to save this ship.
- [unsure groans]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12. But first, who's gonna help me pee?
- Waylon Smithers: [everyone takes a step back] They're looking at me 'cause I have the keys to the stocks.
- Bart Simpson: [trying to return the Bounty to Tahiti] Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are, the most beautiful women in the world
- Kearney: Those are penguins.
- Bart Simpson: Well, look at it this way: we're gonna discover the North Pole.
- Jimbo Jones: South Pole.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, boy, do I suck.
- Jimbo Jones: Yeah.
- Sea Captain: Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?
- Lisa Simpson: We haven't gotten our food yet.
- Sea Captain: I'll look into it.
- [going to the kitchen]
- Sea Captain: What the...?
- Marge Simpson: Who else has a story?
- Homer Simpson: I do.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
- Bart Simpson: Hey!
- Marge Simpson: I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
- Bart Simpson: Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I warn you, Captain: push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny.
- Principal Skinner: Mutiny? On the Bounty?
- [chuckling]
- Principal Skinner: What have you been smoking?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Opium.
- Principal Skinner: Besides that?
- Bart Simpson: Oh, when is our food gonna get here? I'm starved!
- Homer Simpson: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.
- Lisa Simpson: What about this swordfish?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, my life's work ruined!
- Sea Captain: [coming up to the table] Yar, sorry 'bout the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.
- [in the kitchen, the chef fights an octopus with eight knives in its tentacles]
- Sea Captain: Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.
- Marge Simpson: Red Lobster?
- Sea Captain: Not that good. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.
- [sitting down with them and puffing on his pipe]
- Sea Captain: Too bad I don't know any.
- Lisa Simpson: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history: the journey of the Mayflower.
- Sea Captain: Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
- Lisa Simpson: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
- Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?
- Homer Simpson: Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our luaus, our lagoons, and our ladies. And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.
- Marge Simpson: Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world. Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet?
- Jimbo Jones: Any day now.
- Marge Simpson: Ooh!