The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Wettest Stories Ever Told (2006)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Groundskeeper Willie, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Klown, Sideshow Mel
Photos
Quotes
-
Homer Simpson : What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
Ned Flanders : We Puritans have no place for drunkenness, or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. Bec... oh, no! That was a poem!
[flogging himself]
Ned Flanders : Forgive me, Lord! Then pour a little salt in the wounds.
[doing so and grunting in pain]
Ned Flanders : And I'm good.
Marge Simpson : I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.
Homer Simpson : Stupid Flandish. Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how about a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest?
-
Ned Flanders : Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?
Moe Szyslak : And here's the knave what's responsible.
Rev. Lovejoy : [Homer drinks beer straight from the keg] That's all I needed to hear.
Homer Simpson : [locked in a stock] Oh!
Marge Simpson : Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.
Homer Simpson : But, baby, a man has needs.
-
Marge Simpson : Hurry, my little Puritans. We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways. Do you have your shipboard entertainments?
Bart Simpson : I've got my toy wood lump.
[kicking it around like a soccer ball]
Bart Simpson : What jolly fun.
Marge Simpson : Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.
Homer Simpson : [running up the dock] Oh...!
[pushing people out of the way]
Homer Simpson : Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!
[jumping into a barrel]
Homer Simpson : Hide me! Please, you got to help me. If they find me, they'll kill me.
Lenny : [with Carl as royal guards, holding a wanted poster of Homer] Has anyone seen this knave?
Carl : He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the King's name is James and not Jacob.
Lisa Simpson : Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.
Homer Simpson : Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
-
Moe Szyslak : [to Marge] Now, I gotta warn you. Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
Homer Simpson : She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
[he starts to cry]
Bart Simpson : Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
Homer Simpson : Why, thee little...!
[as he starts strangling Bart, Marge puts a hand on his shoulder]
Homer Simpson : D'oh.
Marge Simpson : Oh, don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to.
[opening a locket of her late husband choking Bart]
Marge Simpson : Good times. Whoo! Maybe thou wouldst make a good father.
Homer Simpson : May I escort you to the railing?
Moe Szyslak : Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action. If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
Marge Simpson : Yes, the weather is fair.
Moe Szyslak : Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!
[breaking the fourth wall]
Moe Szyslak : That's how we talk. Weird, huh? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
-
Groundskeeper Willie : I warned you there'd be mutiny.
Principal Skinner : Just start rowing, Willie. And sing a round while you do.
Groundskeeper Willie : Row, row, row your boat gently/Row, row, row/Merrily, merrily, merrily, bound the down/Gently down the... merrily down the... I cannot do it! I'm only one man.
Principal Skinner : You'll sing or you'll mutiny. And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.
[cut to him sitting on top of a turtle and Willie rowing away]
Principal Skinner : Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup. What are you gonna do, go underwater? I'd like to see that.
[he yelps as the turtle submerges]
Principal Skinner : You call this deep?
-
Homer Simpson : Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.
Moe Szyslak : Stop calling it that!
Homer Simpson : Whatever.
Moe Szyslak : I was saving this booze to mess up the Indians, but, uh, seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste. Say, I know a good drinking game. Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.
[Homer drinks his beer]
Moe Szyslak : Oh, you're good at this.
-
Homer Simpson : [the Bounty's crew prepares to depart] Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for staying with us. We appreciate you putting cloth over our womens' boobies. You'll receive an updated bill after you leave. Bye-bye.
-
Rev. Lovejoy : Our captain's be-head-bumped. Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.
Bart Simpson : Oh, when we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.
Lisa Simpson : I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.
Bart Simpson : 31 + 43?
Lisa Simpson : 74.
Rev. Lovejoy , Bart Simpson , Moe Szyslak , Groundskeeper Willie : Witch, witch, witch!
Homer Simpson : People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later. Right now, I've got to save this ship.
[unsure groans]
Homer Simpson : Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12. But first, who's gonna help me pee?
Waylon Smithers : [everyone takes a step back] They're looking at me 'cause I have the keys to the stocks.
-
Sea Captain : Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?
Lisa Simpson : We haven't gotten our food yet.
Sea Captain : I'll look into it.
[going to the kitchen]
Sea Captain : What the...?
Marge Simpson : Who else has a story?
Homer Simpson : I do.
Marge Simpson : Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
Bart Simpson : Hey!
Marge Simpson : I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
Bart Simpson : Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.
Marge Simpson : Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on.
-
Groundskeeper Willie : I warn you, Captain: push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny.
Principal Skinner : Mutiny? On the Bounty?
[chuckling]
Principal Skinner : What have you been smoking?
Groundskeeper Willie : Opium.
Principal Skinner : Besides that?
-
Bart Simpson : Oh, when is our food gonna get here? I'm starved!
Homer Simpson : I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.
Lisa Simpson : What about this swordfish?
Homer Simpson : Oh, my life's work ruined!
Sea Captain : [coming up to the table] Yar, sorry 'bout the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.
[in the kitchen, the chef fights an octopus with eight knives in its tentacles]
Sea Captain : Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.
Marge Simpson : Red Lobster?
Sea Captain : Not that good. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.
[sitting down with them and puffing on his pipe]
Sea Captain : Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa Simpson : I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history: the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain : Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa Simpson : Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea Captain : Now who's being naive?
-
Homer Simpson : Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our luaus, our lagoons, and our ladies. And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.
Marge Simpson : Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world. Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet?
Jimbo Jones : Any day now.
Marge Simpson : Ooh!