The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Wettest Stories Ever Told (2006)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Kearney

Photos 

Quotes 

• Principal Skinner : [as Captain Bligh of the Bounty]  Good morning, crew. Welcome to day 718 of our voyage. Today's announcements: first of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman...

  [the crew laughs] 

  Principal Skinner : ...I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. And I can assure you there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.

  Milhouse Van Houten : [hopeful]  My father's alive?

  Principal Skinner : No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.

  Jimbo Jones : I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad.

  Dolph : This is nothing like the recruiting brochure.

  [he holds up said brochure, with the picture of a sailor with two prostitutes under the title "British Navy - Less Scurvy, More Curvy"] 

  Dolph , Kearney , Jimbo Jones : Mmm

  Kearney : Maybe that's what happens on the last day.

• Marge Simpson : Hurry, my little Puritans. We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways. Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

  Bart Simpson : I've got my toy wood lump.

  [kicking it around like a soccer ball] 

  Bart Simpson : What jolly fun.

  Marge Simpson : Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.

  Homer Simpson : [running up the dock]  Oh...!

  [pushing people out of the way] 

  Homer Simpson : Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!

  [jumping into a barrel] 

  Homer Simpson : Hide me! Please, you got to help me. If they find me, they'll kill me.

  Lenny : [with Carl as royal guards, holding a wanted poster of Homer]  Has anyone seen this knave?

  Carl : He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the King's name is James and not Jacob.

  Lisa Simpson : Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

• Moe Szyslak : [to Marge]  Now, I gotta warn you. Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.

  Homer Simpson : She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.

  [he starts to cry] 

  Bart Simpson : Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.

  Homer Simpson : Why, thee little...!

  [as he starts strangling Bart, Marge puts a hand on his shoulder] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to.

  [opening a locket of her late husband choking Bart] 

  Marge Simpson : Good times. Whoo! Maybe thou wouldst make a good father.

  Homer Simpson : May I escort you to the railing?

  Moe Szyslak : Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action. If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.

  Marge Simpson : Yes, the weather is fair.

  Moe Szyslak : Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!

  [breaking the fourth wall] 

  Moe Szyslak : That's how we talk. Weird, huh? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

• Bart Simpson : Captain Bligh, there's a message from Admiral Nelson.

  Principal Skinner : [taking out a telescope]  Thank you, Mr. Christian.

  Nelson Muntz : [raising a row of flags]  Mm-hmm.

  Principal Skinner : [interpreting]  "Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers."

  Nelson Muntz : Ha-ha!

  Principal Skinner : Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do, there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.

• Milhouse Van Houten : I wish we were back in Tahiti.

  Principal Skinner : Why, yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation. I order you to forget it.

  [the kids groan] 

  Principal Skinner : And while you're working, I want to hear a sea shanty... in a round.

  [the kids sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" unenthusiastically] 

  Principal Skinner : [firing his pistol into the air]  Rounder! I hear edges!

  [whacking various kids with his sword] 

  Principal Skinner : You're off-key! Make that song your own! You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life!

  [he hears guns cocking] 

  Principal Skinner : What the...?

  Bart Simpson : Captain, this is a mutiny.

  Principal Skinner : [chuckling nervously]  Let's not be hasty there. Uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box?

  Dolph : We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

  [the shot pans over to Martin's head hanging on a door, his mouth stuffed with scraps of paper] 

• Rev. Lovejoy : Our captain's be-head-bumped. Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, when we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.

  Lisa Simpson : I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.

  Bart Simpson : 31 + 43?

  Lisa Simpson : 74.

  Rev. Lovejoy , Bart Simpson , Moe Szyslak , Groundskeeper Willie : Witch, witch, witch!

  Homer Simpson : People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later. Right now, I've got to save this ship.

  [unsure groans] 

  Homer Simpson : Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12. But first, who's gonna help me pee?

  Waylon Smithers : [everyone takes a step back]  They're looking at me 'cause I have the keys to the stocks.

• Bart Simpson : [trying to return the Bounty to Tahiti]  Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are, the most beautiful women in the world

  Kearney : Those are penguins.

  Bart Simpson : Well, look at it this way: we're gonna discover the North Pole.

  Jimbo Jones : South Pole.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, boy, do I suck.

  Jimbo Jones : Yeah.

• Sea Captain : Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?

  Lisa Simpson : We haven't gotten our food yet.

  Sea Captain : I'll look into it.

  [going to the kitchen] 

  Sea Captain : What the...?

  Marge Simpson : Who else has a story?

  Homer Simpson : I do.

  Marge Simpson : Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.

  Bart Simpson : Hey!

  Marge Simpson : I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.

  Bart Simpson : Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on.

• Bart Simpson : Oh, when is our food gonna get here? I'm starved!

  Homer Simpson : I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.

  Lisa Simpson : What about this swordfish?

  Homer Simpson : Oh, my life's work ruined!

  Sea Captain : [coming up to the table]  Yar, sorry 'bout the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.

  [in the kitchen, the chef fights an octopus with eight knives in its tentacles] 

  Sea Captain : Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.

  Marge Simpson : Red Lobster?

  Sea Captain : Not that good. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.

  [sitting down with them and puffing on his pipe] 

  Sea Captain : Too bad I don't know any.

  Lisa Simpson : I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history: the journey of the Mayflower.

  Sea Captain : Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.

  Lisa Simpson : Not prostitutes, Protestants.

  Sea Captain : Now who's being naive?