The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Wettest Stories Ever Told (2006)

Hank Azaria: Sea Captain, Carl, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Disco Stu, Comic Book Guy, Old Jewish Man, Luigi

Quotes 

• Ned Flanders : Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?

  Moe Szyslak : And here's the knave what's responsible.

  Rev. Lovejoy : [Homer drinks beer straight from the keg]  That's all I needed to hear.

  Homer Simpson : [locked in a stock]  Oh!

  Marge Simpson : Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.

  Homer Simpson : But, baby, a man has needs.

• Ned Flanders : Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the New World without you. I, uh, almost regret what we Europeans are gonna do to you.

  Chief Wiggum : What... what are you gonna do?

  Ned Flanders : Oh, give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie. Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?

• Moe Szyslak : Back off, newbie! We're engaged. I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.

  Marge Simpson : We're not engaged. It's really more of an amiable concordance.

  Ned Flanders : Oh! Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such language from a woman. Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!

  [he flogs himself again] 

• Marge Simpson : Hurry, my little Puritans. We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways. Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

  Bart Simpson : I've got my toy wood lump.

  [kicking it around like a soccer ball] 

  Bart Simpson : What jolly fun.

  Marge Simpson : Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.

  Homer Simpson : [running up the dock]  Oh...!

  [pushing people out of the way] 

  Homer Simpson : Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!

  [jumping into a barrel] 

  Homer Simpson : Hide me! Please, you got to help me. If they find me, they'll kill me.

  Lenny : [with Carl as royal guards, holding a wanted poster of Homer]  Has anyone seen this knave?

  Carl : He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the King's name is James and not Jacob.

  Lisa Simpson : Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

• Moe Szyslak : [to Marge]  Now, I gotta warn you. Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.

  Homer Simpson : She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.

  [he starts to cry] 

  Bart Simpson : Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.

  Homer Simpson : Why, thee little...!

  [as he starts strangling Bart, Marge puts a hand on his shoulder] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to.

  [opening a locket of her late husband choking Bart] 

  Marge Simpson : Good times. Whoo! Maybe thou wouldst make a good father.

  Homer Simpson : May I escort you to the railing?

  Moe Szyslak : Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action. If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.

  Marge Simpson : Yes, the weather is fair.

  Moe Szyslak : Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!

  [breaking the fourth wall] 

  Moe Szyslak : That's how we talk. Weird, huh? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

• Homer Simpson : Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.

  Moe Szyslak : Stop calling it that!

  Homer Simpson : Whatever.

  Moe Szyslak : I was saving this booze to mess up the Indians, but, uh, seeing what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste. Say, I know a good drinking game. Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.

  [Homer drinks his beer] 

  Moe Szyslak : Oh, you're good at this.

• Rev. Lovejoy : Our captain's be-head-bumped. Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, when we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.

  Lisa Simpson : I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.

  Bart Simpson : 31 + 43?

  Lisa Simpson : 74.

  Rev. Lovejoy , Bart Simpson , Moe Szyslak , Groundskeeper Willie : Witch, witch, witch!

  Homer Simpson : People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later. Right now, I've got to save this ship.

  [unsure groans] 

  Homer Simpson : Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12. But first, who's gonna help me pee?

  Waylon Smithers : [everyone takes a step back]  They're looking at me 'cause I have the keys to the stocks.

• Sea Captain : Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?

  Lisa Simpson : We haven't gotten our food yet.

  Sea Captain : I'll look into it.

  [going to the kitchen] 

  Sea Captain : What the...?

  Marge Simpson : Who else has a story?

  Homer Simpson : I do.

  Marge Simpson : Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.

  Bart Simpson : Hey!

  Marge Simpson : I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.

  Bart Simpson : Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on.

• Bart Simpson : Oh, when is our food gonna get here? I'm starved!

  Homer Simpson : I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.

  Lisa Simpson : What about this swordfish?

  Homer Simpson : Oh, my life's work ruined!

  Sea Captain : [coming up to the table]  Yar, sorry 'bout the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.

  [in the kitchen, the chef fights an octopus with eight knives in its tentacles] 

  Sea Captain : Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.

  Marge Simpson : Red Lobster?

  Sea Captain : Not that good. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.

  [sitting down with them and puffing on his pipe] 

  Sea Captain : Too bad I don't know any.

  Lisa Simpson : I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history: the journey of the Mayflower.

  Sea Captain : Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.

  Lisa Simpson : Not prostitutes, Protestants.

  Sea Captain : Now who's being naive?