- Rod Flanders: Are you jealous of Brother Homer?
- Ned Flanders: Maybe just a little bit.
- Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.
- Ned Flanders: One problem at a time, boy.
- Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
- Homer: I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.
- Ned Flanders: That was Led Zeppelin.
- Homer: Go back to your bong, hippie!
- Ned Flanders: I'll be the nicest man of all time!
- [sees a picture of Jesus Christ]
- Ned Flanders: I said man, not man-god! Keep your halo on!
- Nelson: Dad didn't leave... he went to the store, and when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!
- [Ned sees a TV report about Homer's good deeds]
- Ned Flanders: Ugh. That Homer just burns my waffles.
- Ned Flanders: [pulling his mustache] Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!
- Angry woman: Give us back our presents, stupid man!
- Drederick Tatum: Your behavior - it's like, it's like... not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like, wild!
- [Ned hands out Christmas presents]
- Principal Skinner: You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present?
- Agnes Skinner: What's your angle, pervert?