- Homer Simpson: [as Joseph] A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!
- Lisa Simpson: [as the herald angel] Fear not, Mary. You are full of grace.
- Homer Simpson: That's not all she's full of.
- Lisa Simpson: Quiet, you.
- Homer Simpson: And did you know that baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus?
- [Crowd murmurs]
- Homer Simpson: Yeah. Weird, isn't it?
- Homer Simpson: [singing to the music from The Nutcracker] I need a present for my wife / Or I'll have no sex for life / Diamond ring, a vase by Ming / Some kind of useful kitchen thing / I need a store I can break into / Or a place run by a Hindu
- Apu: The Christmas rush has cleaned me out / I just have jerky made of trout
- Reverend Lovejoy: Bad news, Ned. There was a train accident.
- [Meaning his model train set]
- Reverend Lovejoy: So many plastic Christmases ruined.
- Grampa: [During World War II] I was flying Navy planes in the South Pacific with my older brother, Cyrus.
- Lisa Simpson: Your brother? You've never mentioned him before.
- Grampa: And I never will again!
- [Flashback to WWII]
- Cyrus Simpson: Kamikaze!
- Grampa: Well, I usually don't drink before lunch... Holy smokes! The sky's full of those planes that crash into the ships!