The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Bad Neighbors (1996)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Stu's Friend, Grampa Simpson, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Gerald Ford

Quotes 

• [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone] 

  Homer : I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.

  Homer's Brain : There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.

  Homer : D'oh!

• Homer : [in an exaggerated tone]  Yoo-hoo.!

  George Bush : Who is it?

  Homer : [in an exaggerated tone]  It's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad.

  George Bush : Oh, good.

  [yells] 

  George Bush : Bar! The boys are in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.

  Barbara Bush : Oh, George! Is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.

  [George Bush steps outside the front door as the cardboard cutouts roll upwards] 

  George Bush : Boys? Where are you going?

  Homer : [shouts to Bart as he is on the roof]  Okay, son. Give him the glue!

  [Bart squeezes glue onto George's head from the roof and Homer slaps a rainbow afro wig on and runs away] 

• Marge : Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.

  Homer : But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

• Homer : He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson?

  Bart : I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.

  Grampa : Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions!

  Marge : Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common... but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

  Grampa : And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

  [Pointing the finger at Lisa while reading the book] 

• [trying to get into George Bush's house] 

  Homer : Hey, Bush! Get out here!

  Secret Service Agent : Excuse me, sir. Where are you going?

  Homer : I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.

  Secret Service Agent : Okay. Is he expecting you?

• Disco Stu : Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

• Homer : First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!

• Homer : For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!

  George Bush : Never! You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.

  Homer : [to Bart]  You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs.

  Homer : [yells at George]  Never!

• Homer : [outside a fancy, gated house]  Hey, I never noticed this place.

  Bart : Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would wanna live in this neighborhood.

  Homer : [insulted]  Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood?

  [shouting at the empty house through the gate] 

  Homer : Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby?

  Bart : Who are you talking to, Homer?

  Homer : The guy who doesn't live there.

• Homer : [to the townsfolk at the rummage sale]  Hey, everybody! Who thinks Flanders should shut up?

• Marge : [in his car, Bush does donuts in the front yard]  President Bush is driving on our lawn! He must be lost.

  Homer : [darkly]  He's not lost.

  Bart : Looks like we're experiencing some blowback from the wig offensive.

  Homer : It's time to hit him where he lives.

  Bart : His house?

  Homer : Bingo.

• Homer : Good old Evergreen Terrace, the swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.

  Bart : Well, if you love it so much, why are you always littering?

  Homer : [throwing his beer can on the ground]  It's easier. Duh.

• Bart : Wow! A former president living right across the street.

  Homer : Oh! Why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world, he can act like a big shot. Stupid president. Why couldn't he just stay in his own state?

  Lisa Simpson : Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.

  Homer : Wait a minute. If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him...

  Marge : You didn't vote for anybody.

  Homer : I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. After that, I became deeply cynical.

• Marge : [going through junk to get rid of]  Well, we don't need this.

  Homer : But, Marge, that's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun. I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.

  Marge : [he holds up a denim jacket]  Who's Disco Stu?

  Homer : Oh, uh, I wanted to write "Disco stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action.

• Homer : You owe me an apology.

  George Bush : Hey, you owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.

• Homer : This is gonna be sweet. 200 bottle rockets, and George Bush doing toe-touches by an open window.

  Bart : If you get one up his butt, it's a million points.

• George Bush : Hi, there, neighbors. Uh, I'm... George Bush.

  [shocked stares] 

  George Bush : Former President George Bush?

  [murmurs of recognition] 

  Homer : Okay, let's give it up for the new guy. Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again.

• Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : [washing his car as Homer and Bart approach]  Howdy, neighbor. May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?

  Homer : Uh... spray the boy.

• Homer : [pulling into the Krusty Burger drive-thru]  Oh, man! I only got one minute 'til they stop serving those breakfast balls.

  [seeing another car already in line] 

  Homer : D'oh!

  George Bush : Let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a Krusty Burger. That doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [over the intercom]  Uh, we don't have stew.

  Ray Johnson : [Homer starts honking his horn impatiently]  Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?

  George Bush : Oh, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.

  Homer : Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!

  George Bush : That guy is louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?

  Ray Johnson : [going back to Homer's car]  Sir, could you pop your hood?

  Homer : [as he does so, Ray disables the horn]  Hey! My taxes paid for that horn.

• Homer : Marge, I'm bored.

  Marge : Why don't you read something?

  Homer : Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.

  Marge : Well, you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale. You'd get some fresh air and exercise.

  Homer : Eh, I'll do it anyway.

  [grabbing a passing Bart] 

  Homer : Come on, boy. We're going to see the neighbors.

• Homer : [looking Bush up in the encyclopedia]  All right. His story checks out. Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy.

  Marge : Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy.

  Homer : Well, she can always depend on that.

  [he glances at the car out in the driveway, nervously shifting his eyes back and forth] 

• Ray Johnson : You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers.

  Homer : Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Ooh! Well, *you* are a wimp!

  George Bush : [his lip trembling]  Wimp... am I? Agent Johnson? Agent Heintz? You men, stand down.

  [shrugging, they do so, and he opens the gate] 

  George Bush : All right, mister. You want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.

  Homer : Oh, I want trouble, all right.

  George Bush : Then you're gonna get trouble.

  Homer : No, *you're* gonna get trouble.

  George Bush : Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble.

  Homer : Then we're agreed there'll be trouble.

  George Bush : Oh, yeah, lots of trouble.

  Homer : Trouble, it is.

  George Bush : For you.

  Homer : For...

  [Bush slams his front door] 

  Homer : D'oh!

• Homer : Well, ready for the big rummage sale?

  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : Oh, yes, indeed. I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishee machine.

  [cut to the Kwik-E-Mart, which is submerged in Squishee syrup; as maintenance workers in scuba suits work on the machine, Jimbo steals two six-packs of beer] 

• Gerald Ford : Hi. Pleased to meet you. I just moved in. My name is Jerry Ford.

  Homer : Former President Gerald Ford?

  [shaking hands] 

  Homer : Put her there. I'm Homer Simpson.

  Gerald Ford : Say, Homer, do you like football?

  Homer : Do I ever!

  Gerald Ford : Do you like nachos?

  Homer : Yes, Mr. Ford.

  Gerald Ford : Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos, and then some beer.

  Homer : Ooh!

  [walking over to Ford's house] 

  Homer : Jerry, I think you and I are gonna get along just...

  [tripping on the curb] 

  Gerald Ford , Homer : D'oh!