The Simpsons (TV Series)
Lisa on Ice (1994)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Reporter, Krusty the Clown, Hans Moleman, Grampa Simpson
Quotes
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Homer : Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such...
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[At the hockey match]
Homer : Okay, Marge, it's your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
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Homer : Now, boy, just have a good game, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
[they all laugh, before Homer makes a threatening gesture, causing Bart to flinch]
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Homer : Can somebody pass the mustard?
[Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it]
Lisa : You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.
Marge Simpson : I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!
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[Marge hears Bart and Lisa fighting upstairs]
Marge Simpson : Oh, I'd better go check on them. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.
Homer : All right, Marge.
[Marge exits]
Homer : All right, pie. I'm going to start doing this...
[makes chomping motion]
Homer : And if you get eaten, it's your own fault.
[He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood]
Homer : OW! AH! Oh, my... oh, to hell with it.
[eats the pie]
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[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
Marge : Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer : Whew. That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer : And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart : Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer : Done and done.
Lisa : That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer : [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.
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Homer : Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear.
Lisa : Please, Dad, I'll be fine.
Homer : I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting...
[Spotting a partially dressed Uter, the fat German exchange student]
Homer : hahahahahahaha! Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?
[Chasing him with a towel]
Homer : Come here, butterball!
Uter : Don't make me run! I am full of chocolate!