The Simpsons (TV Series)

Burns' Heir (1994)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa, Krusty the Clown, Estonian Dwarf, Mayor Quimby, Hans Moleman, Itchy, Michael Caine, Lee Majors

Photos 

Quotes 

• Homer : Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

• [Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him] 

  Actor Homer : [stilted]  I do not miss Bart at all.

  Actress Marge : I am glad he's gone.

  Actor Lisa : As am I.

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich]  B'oh!

  Bart : It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.

  Mr. Burns : Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

  [Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] 

  Mr. Burns : [clapping for attention]  People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...

  [checks script] 

  Mr. Burns : "D'oh!"

  ["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] 

  Michael Caine : Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?

  Actress : And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".

  ["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf] 

  Estonian Dwarf : Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?

  Mr. Burns : Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

  [the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room] 

  Mr. Burns : [to Bart]  Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.

  [turns the monitor back on to show the "family"] 

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich again]  Duh-oh!

  Bart : [sadly]  Hmm. That's them, alright.

• Homer : [attempting to get Bart out of Burns' mansion]  Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead! Do your worst!

• Deprogrammer : Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.

  Marge Simpson : Are you sure you can get him back for us?

  Deprogrammer : Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.

  Marge Simpson : What about Peter Fonda?

  Deprogrammer : Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.

  Homer : You idiot! He was the most talented one.

• Lisa Simpson : Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!

  Marge Simpson : Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.

  Bart : Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers.

  [Throws another pea at Lisa] 

  Lisa Simpson : Ow! That was a big one!

  Marge Simpson : Homer, say something.

  Homer : Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

  Bart : [Groans]  Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs.

  [Gives it to Santa's Little Helper] 

  Homer : [Gasps]  That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing... but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!

  Bart : No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.

  Homer : Bart, you listen!

  Bart : Oh, go eat some flowers!

  [Throws a bunch of flower at Homer] 

  Homer : [Screams]  My secret shame.

• [Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd] 

  Lee Majors : Hello Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me?

  Marge Simpson : Uh... sure.

  [Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."] 

  Marge Simpson : [opens her eyes]  I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more.

  [She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again] 

• Bart Simpson : Um... I think I'd like to go home.

  Mr. Burns : If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.

  Bart Simpson : Okay... I want pizza. And I want it served by Krusty the Clown!

  [Time passes. Krusty bursts into the room in a sweatband and shorts holding Bart's pizza] 

  Krusty : Hey-hey! It's Krusty the Pizza Man!

  [does his laugh as he hands the pizza to Bart; he then turns to Burns] 

  Krusty : All right, where's my 400 bucks?

  Bart Simpson : Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?

  Krusty : Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.

  [cuts to an episode of "Krusty the Clown" with Krusty juggling to happy clown music. He is then handed a piece of paper from an off-screen crew member] 

  Krusty : [addressing the audience]  Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

  [pulls down a map of the Falklands] 

  Krusty : The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

  [At Burns' mansion, Krusty groans] 

• Grampa : [after the THX promo]  Turn it up! Turn it up!