Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1991)

Joel Hodgson: Joel Robinson

Quotes 

• Joel : What do you want for Christmas, Crow?

  Crow T. Robot : I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

• [Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."] 

  Tom Servo : [singing]  Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.

  Crow T. Robot : [singing]  We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.

  Joel Robinson : [singing]  And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.

  Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot , Joel Robinson : [singing]  We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.

  Tom Servo : [singing]  Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.

  Crow T. Robot : [singing]  Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

• Santa Claus : We're going out the good ol' fashioned way with my reindeers!

  Joel Robinson : Guns a-blazin'!

  Santa Claus : Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon!

  Tom Servo : Eh, yeah, so, what's in the pipe, Santa?

• Martian : What is Christmas?

  Joel : It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.

• Andy Henderson : [interviewing Santa]  Do you think you'll be ready by Christmas Eve?

  Santa Claus : Well, we've never disappointed the kids yet.

  Joel : [as Santa]  Except for the poor ones.

• Tom Servo : [singing]  Hang out in leather bars, haul out the cocktail sars...

  Joel Robinson : Would you stop it?

  Tom Servo : I was just...

  Joel Robinson : Come on.

  [a transluscent picture of Santa appears on screen with the text 'Merry Christmas' superimposed over it] 

  Crow T. Robot : Santa Claus: Killed in Vietnam.

  Joel Robinson : Filmed in Christmas Card-Vision.

  Tom Servo : You guys are doing it, too.

  Joel Robinson : No, we're not. What we're doing is totally different from what you're doing.

  [a shot of the Earth appears, but it looks like the moon] 

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, look, it's Jackie Gleason and he's "mooning" us!

  [He guffaws] 

  Joel Robinson : No, It's totally different. It's totally different.

  Tom Servo : Let me- let me try one. You know, you can almost see the ozone layer disappearing!

  Joel Robinson : [to Crow]  Oh, he just doesn't get it, does he?

  Crow T. Robot : No...

  Joel Robinson : [to Servo]  Would you stop that?

  Tom Servo : What? What?

  Joel Robinson : I implore you. I do not see what you are going on about.

  Crow T. Robot : Hey...

  Tom Servo : [singing]  They are the Gummi Bears!

  Crow T. Robot : Merry Christmas, guys.

  Tom Servo , Joel Robinson : Merry Christmas, Crow.

• [Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"] 

  Tom Servo : It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...

  [gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical] 

  Tom Servo : ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...

  Joel : Tom...

  Tom Servo : ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.

  Joel , Crow T. Robot : Tom.

  Tom Servo : And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.

  Joel : HEY.

  Crow T. Robot : Tom.

  Joel : Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.

  Tom Servo : You sure?

  Joel : Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?

  Tom Servo : Phew, what a relief.

• Joel Robinson : It's Barbara Bush!

• Joel Robinson : It's a guy in a cardboard box with a coffee urn on his head.

• Voldar : No one on Earth will ever know that Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians!

  Joel Robinson : Do you realise what you've just said?

• Joel Robinson : Hey, isn't that the Jeopardy theme song?

• Joel Robinson : What does that say? No shirt, no shoes, no service?

• Betty : I see a Martian!

  Tom Servo : Hello...

  Joel Robinson : Hello...

  Crow T. Robot : Hello...

  Tom Servo , Joel Robinson , Crow T. Robot : [as the Three Stooges]  Hello!

• Kimar : This is Kimar.

  Joel Robinson : Today's blueberry special will be...