The Simpsons (TV Series)

I Love Lisa (1993)

Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson, Cecile Shapiro

Quotes 

• [Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush] 

  Lisa : I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.

  Bart : You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.

  Lisa : What if he wants to hold hands?

  Bart : I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

  Lisa : What if he wants to kiss?

  Bart : I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

  Lisa : What if he -...

  Bart : [interrupts Lisa]  You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

• Janey : Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines?

  Miss Hoover : Not just yet, Janey. First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the Valentines.

  Lisa : Isn't that just pointless busy work?

  Miss Hoover : Bulls-eye. Get cracking.

• Lisa : Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?

  Homer : Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

• Krusty the Klown : Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?

  Ralph Wiggum : Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.

  Lisa : [erupting]  Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

• [Chief Wiggum is telling Lisa how he got tickets to Krusty the Clown's 29th Anniversary Special by bribing him in a porno theater] 

  Lisa : That story isn't suitable for children

  Chief Wiggum : Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

• Lisa : [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington]  Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?

  Ralph Wiggum : Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?

  Lisa : But couldn't we just give into the British?

  Ralph Wiggum : NEVER!

  Lisa : [George Washington is on his deathbed]  Please don't leave me George...

  Ralph Wiggum : Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.

  [he kisses her hand and dies; she cries] 

• Marge : What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

  Marge : Well, honey...

  Homer : Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.

  [ticking off on his fingers] 

  Homer : "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...

  Lisa : I get the idea.

  Homer : "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...

  Marge : Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.

  Lisa : Thanks, Mom.

  Homer : And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."

• Lisa : Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?

  Homer : Sure, it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?

  Lisa : Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me.

  Homer : Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.

  Homer's Conscience : Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.

  Homer : Oh, shut up.

  Homer's Conscience : Yes, sir.