The Simpsons (TV Series)
I Love Lisa (1993)
Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, Kearney Zzyzwicz, Yellow Weasel, Nina Skalka, Tanya, White-Haired Girl
Quotes
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[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa : I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart : You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa : What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart : I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa : What if he wants to kiss?
Bart : I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa : What if he -...
Bart : [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.
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Principal Skinner : [after having a traumatic flashback of Valentine's Day in Vietnam] Johnny. Johnny! JOHNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Bart : Cool! I broke his brain.
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Ralph : So, do you like... stuff?
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Milhouse Van Houten : [as Lincoln] I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.
[doors behind him are kicked open]
Milhouse Van Houten : Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
Bart : [wearing Terminator sunglasses and carrying a Nerf gun; a la Schwarzenegger] Hasta la vista, Abey.
[instead of following the historical script, Milhouse leaps on Bart, and they struggle for the gun]
Homer : Come on, boy - finish him off!
Bart : [backstage, the children scream and run as Bart stalks them with his Nerf gun] You're next, Chester A. Arthur!
[He opens fire with ping-pong balls, before Ms. Hoover grabs him]
Bart : [normal voice] Unhand me, Yankee!
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Krusty the Klown : Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum : Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa : [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
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Ralph : The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
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[Before the President's Day pageant]
Bart : Hey girls, check out this president!
[He turns around and drops his pants, showing a pair of fake eyes and a long nose attached to his butt]
Bart : [a la Richard Nixon] I am not a butt!
[screaming, the girls rush to Miss Hoover]
Miss Hoover : Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
Bart : [quickly pulls his pants up] I'll be good.
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Lisa : [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum : Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?
Lisa : But couldn't we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum : NEVER!
Lisa : [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...
Ralph Wiggum : Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
[he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]
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Elizabeth Hoover : [Ralph raises his hand] Yes, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum : My parents won't let me use scissors.
[Everyone giggles]
Elizabeth Hoover : The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter.
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Miss Hoover : Now, take out your red crayon.
Ralph Wiggum : [raises hand] Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover : Yes, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum : I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover : Why not?
Ralph Wiggum : I ate it.
[He opens his mouth, showing his red-stained teeth. Everyone giggles again]
