The Simpsons (TV Series)

I Married Marge (1991)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Angry Star Wars Fan, Barney Gumble, Grampa Simpson, Cletus, Attack Dog Trainer

Quotes 

• Marge : Homer, do you ever think about the future?

  Homer : You mean like, will apes be our masters?

• Marge : Homer, I've been thinking and if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?

  Homer : Marge, we can't do that. All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.

  Marge : Well, how about Louie?

  Homer : They'll call him Screwy Louie.

  Marge : Bob?

  Homer : Slob.

  Marge : Luke?

  Homer : Puke.

  Marge : Marcus?

  Homer : Mucus.

  Marge : What about Bart?

  Homer : Let's see. Bart, Cart, Dart, E-art... nope, can't see any problem with that

  [seemingly forgetting that "fart" would come next] 

• Homer : Ahhh, Bart. Daddy's little angel.

  [Bart uses Homer's lighter to set his tie on fire] 

  Homer : Argh! Why you little... you did that on purpose!

  Marge : How could he? He's only ten minutes old?

• [Marge is pregnant with Bart] 

  Marge : Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.

  Homer : Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.

  Patty : Yeah... the doctor.

• Homer : Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more, and not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you.

  Marge : [Marge enters]  Homer, I'm not pregnant!

  Homer : Yeah! Whoo! Excellent, Marge!

  Marge : Yes!

  [They high five each other] 

• Homer : Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

• [Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant] 

  Smithers : There's a problem wrong with the reactor... what do you do?

  Homer : There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die!

  [Homer runs out, screaming] 

• Homer : Oh, honey do you really think you're pregnant?

  Marge : Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.

  Homer : Yeah, and I have the same tingling in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.

• [when Bart was born] 

  Marge : Homey, isn't he beautiful?

  Homer : Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

• Dr. Hibbert : Well, Ms. Bouvier, I think we've found the reason you've been throwing up in the morning...

  [holds out his hand to Homer] 

  Dr. Hibbert : Congratulations.

  Homer : D'OH!

  [His "d'oh" echoes down the hallway] 

  Man in Body Cast : Poor guy.

• Homer : [as Marge goes into labor]  Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.

  Dr. Hibbert : Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?

  Homer : Oh, college boy, eh?

  [Squares up to Dr. Hibbert] 

  Marge : Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!

• [Homer got Marge pregnant] 

  Abe Simpson : Son, you've got to marry that girl.

  Homer : Because it's the honorable thing to do?

  Abe Simpson : No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar.

• [Homer is working at a drive-thru window] 

  Homer : Yeah, what do you want?

  Marge : My husband by my side.

  Homer : You want fries with that?

• Marge : "Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?

  Homer : But Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe!

  Marge : Okay, let's see. "Ahoy mateys! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be."

  Homer : Well, what color is it? Blue or purple?

  Marge : Pink.

  Homer : D'oh!

  Marge : Hmm. "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail."

• Homer : Marge, there's something that I wanna to ask you, but I'm afraid, because if you say no, it will destroy me and make me a criminal.

  Marge : Well, I haven't said no to you lately, have I?

  Homer : Marge, I... damnit, where's that card?

  [looking around] 

  Marge : What card?

  Homer : Ohn I wrote down what I was going to say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.

  [He turns and hunches over the seat, rooting around the floor of the back of the car, and honking the horn with his feet. Marge picks up a card] 

  Marge : Is this it?

  Homer : What's it say?

  Marge : [reading]  "Marge, from the first moment I saw you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I don't have much to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me?"

  Homer : That's the card, give it here.

  Marge : Oh, Homer. This is the most beautiful moment of my life!

  Homer : So... will you marry me?

  Marge : ...Yes!

  Homer : WOO HOO! WOO HOO! Yeah! She's gonna to marry me! In your face, everybody! WOO HOO!

• Homer : [Knocking on door]  Marge! Marge!

  Jacqueline Bouvier : You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.

  Homer : The hospital?

  Jacqueline Bouvier : I'll drive you.

  Homer : Thanks, Mom.

  Jacqueline Bouvier : Don't *ever* call me that.

• Homer : Oh no... Now it's diaper changing and two o'clock feedings!

  Lisa Simpson : You really do that?

  Homer : No... But I have to hear about it.

• Homer : You the boss?

  Mr. Burns : Yes.

  Smithers : I'll call security sir.

  Homer : Well, listen to me Mr. Bigshot: If you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself, I'm your man! You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! And if you don't like it, I can change!

  Mr. Burns : Hold the phone Smithers. I like your attitude; feisty, yet spineless.

  Smithers : Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.

  Mr. Burns : I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes on a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.

  Homer : You mean?

  Mr. Burns : Welcome aboard, son.

  [shakes Homer's hand] 

  Homer : I got the job? I got the job! WOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

  [prances out of Burns' office] 

  Homer : Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?

  Smithers : Homer Simpson, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.

• [at Shotgun Pete's Wedding Chapel] 

  Receptionist : Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your licence; be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.

  Homer : Hey, this marriage is gonna last forever!

  Receptionist : Ha, ha! No matter how many times I hear that, it always makes me laugh.