- Circe: You must pass through Hades, crossing the river Styx.
- [as Homer steers his ship down the river, skeletons on the shoreline dance to the song "Lady" by Styx]
- Homer Simpson: Oh, this truly is Hell!
- Ned Flanders: [as King of Troy] Now throughout history when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
- [after being stabbed by Hamlet]
- Chief Wiggum: [as Polonius] I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.
- Marge Simpson: [after tearing out and swallowing the ending of the story Joan Of Arc] Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
- Bart Simpson: [as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
- Moe Szyslak: [as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?
- Bart Simpson: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
- Moe Szyslak: Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.
- [clears his throat]
- Moe Szyslak: Note to self: kill that kid.
- Lisa Simpson: [as Joan of Arc] Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants.
- [Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]
- Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.
- Bart Simpson: [about Hamlet] I can't believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring!