- Lisa Simpson: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
- Clerk: Okay.
- [reaches into a box under the counter]
- Clerk: Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
- Lisa Simpson: How can a hamster write mysteries?
- Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
- Lisa Simpson: Aw, c'mon.
- Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
- [during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV]
- John F. Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
- [cheers]
- Richard Nixon: Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
- [boos]
- Homer: The man never drank a Duff in his life.
- Marge Simpson: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
- Homer Simpson: You name it.
- Marge Simpson: I want you to give up beer for a month.
- Homer Simpson: You got it. No deer for a month.
- Marge Simpson: Did you say beer, or deer?
- Homer Simpson: [pause] Deer.
- [Lisa comes back to her room to find her science project report stolen]
- Bart Simpson: Looking for something?
- [Bart is sitting in her chair, stroking Snowball II a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
- Lisa Simpson: What have you done with my report?
- Bart Simpson: I've hidden it.
- [Lisa runs out]
- Bart Simpson: To find it, you'll have to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than...
- Lisa Simpson: Got it!
- Bart Simpson: D'oh!
- Milhouse Van Houten: [Milhouse pushes a slinky down an inclined board] Behold!... Gravity in all its glory!
- Edna Krabappel: Pretty lame, Milhouse.
- Homer: [get up and yawns] Well, time to go to work.
- Homer's Mind: Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
- Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five; that's the plan!
- Homer's Mind: Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing.
- [beat]
- Homer's Mind: Well, off to the plant!
- Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery...
- Homer's Mind: Uh-oh. Did I say that, or just think it?
- Homer: I gotta think of a line fast!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
- [Homer screams and runs away to his car]
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
- Marge: Oh my god. He's dead?
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
- [a woman walks in]
- Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI?
- Chief Wiggum: Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
- Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
- Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
- Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings.
- Homer Simpson: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
- Judge: No.
- Homer Simpson: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
- [Jasper walks up]
- Rev. Lovejoy: Coping with senility?
- Jasper: No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
- [pause]
- Jasper: Coping with senility.
- [first lines]
- Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
- Principal Skinner: [seeing Bart's science project] "Go-Go Ray"?
- Bart Simpson: Allow me to demonstrate.
- [turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner]
- Principal Skinner: AH! What the-?
- [He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her]
- Edna Krabappel: AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!
- Homer Simpson: [Homer pours his Duff Beer down the drain] Well beer, we've had some good times.
- [singing]
- Homer Simpson: When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.
- Homer Simpson: What's your project for the science fair, Boy?
- Bart Simpson: I thought I'd do a study on the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs
- [Santa's Little Helper comes in with a cigarette in his mouth]
- Marge Simpson: Bart, don't give cigarettes to the dog!
- Tour Guide: Now, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control.
- Phil: [removes a bottle from a conveyor belt if it contains an unsavoury object] Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.
- Barney Gumble: Lemme just say, you're doin' a great job, Phil!
- Phil: Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.
- [distracted, he fails to notice bottles containing false teeth, a severed finger and a three-eyed fish, as well as a jar containing Adolf Hitler's severed head, pass by on the belt]
- Troy McClure: What a terrible waste... Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure! You might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." For the next sixty minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.
- Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him.
- [a baton bats away his hand, causing him to yelp and reveal he's in the cell adjacent to Homer's]
- Prison Guard: Pipe down in there, Hutz!
- Lisa Simpson: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?
- Bart Simpson: [passing by] Hey, Lis, look what I can do!
- [sticks his entire fist in his mouth, then tries, unsuccessfully, to pull it out again]
- Bart Simpson: Doggone it.
- Selma Bouvier: Thank you all for coming. We've got some very exciting new developments in the field of Supperware. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it.
- [She does so, her pet iguana recoils]
- Selma Bouvier: Don't be scared, Jub-Jub. It's Mama.
- Homer: [under his breath] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Principal Skinner: [Principal Skinner bends over to tie his shoe] Over, under, in and out... That's what shoe tying is all about.
- Chief Wiggum: [Homer and Barney are leaving the Duff brewery, and they pass a smiling tankard with Chief Wiggum inside] Alright, you guys... Look alive, there's a couple of stewed prunes coming your way.
- Marge: I'm don't like you experimenting on your brother.
- Lisa Simpson: Please, mother it's purely in the interest of science.
- [thinking]
- Lisa Simpson: That'll learn him to bust my tomater.
- Homer Simpson: Mmm... gummi beer.
- [Eats a handful of the sweets. Barney is lying on his back, drinking directly from the tap of a barrel]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, Barney. I think you've had enough.
- Barney Gumble: Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Du... uuh...
- [Falls off the ledge and passes out]