The Simpsons (TV Series)
Duffless (1993)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Santa's Little Helper, Barney Gumble, Duff Brewery Clock, Commercial Announcer #1, John F. Kennedy, Hans Moleman, Man at Science Fair, Commercial Man #1, Jub-Jub
Quotes
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Hans Moleman : My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
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[during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV]
John F. Kennedy : I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
[cheers]
Richard Nixon : Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
[boos]
Homer : The man never drank a Duff in his life.
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Marge Simpson : Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer Simpson : You name it.
Marge Simpson : I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer Simpson : You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge Simpson : Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer Simpson : [pause] Deer.
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Homer : [get up and yawns] Well, time to go to work.
Homer's Mind : Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer : Roll in at nine, punch out at five; that's the plan!
Homer's Mind : Heh, heh, heh! They don't suspect a thing.
[beat]
Homer's Mind : Well, off to the plant!
Homer : Then to the Duff Brewery...
Homer's Mind : Uh-oh. Did I say that, or just think it?
Homer : I gotta think of a line fast!
Marge Simpson : Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
[Homer screams and runs away to his car]
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Rev. Lovejoy : Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer : The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy : I cast thee out!
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Judge : Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings.
Homer Simpson : Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge : No.
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Homer Simpson : I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy : Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
[Jasper walks up]
Rev. Lovejoy : Coping with senility?
Jasper : No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
[pause]
Jasper : Coping with senility.
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Homer Simpson : [Homer pours his Duff Beer down the drain] Well beer, we've had some good times.
[singing]
Homer Simpson : When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.
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Homer Simpson : What's your project for the science fair, Boy?
Bart Simpson : I thought I'd do a study on the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs
[Santa's Little Helper comes in with a cigarette in his mouth]
Marge Simpson : Bart, don't give cigarettes to the dog!
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Tour Guide : Now, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control.
Phil : [removes a bottle from a conveyor belt if it contains an unsavoury object] Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.
Barney Gumble : Lemme just say, you're doin' a great job, Phil!
Phil : Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.
[distracted, he fails to notice bottles containing false teeth, a severed finger and a three-eyed fish, as well as a jar containing Adolf Hitler's severed head, pass by on the belt]
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Homer Simpson : Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!
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Selma Bouvier : Thank you all for coming. We've got some very exciting new developments in the field of Supperware. This is the 128-ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it.
[She does so, her pet iguana recoils]
Selma Bouvier : Don't be scared, Jub-Jub. It's Mama.
Homer : [under his breath] I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-
Homer Simpson : Mmm... gummi beer.
[Eats a handful of the sweets. Barney is lying on his back, drinking directly from the tap of a barrel]
Homer Simpson : Hey, Barney. I think you've had enough.
Barney Gumble : Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Du... uuh...
[Falls off the ledge and passes out]
