The Simpsons (TV Series)
And Maggie Makes Three (1995)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Terrorist, Barney Gumble, Homer's Sperm, Bowler #1, Bowler #4, Bowler #5, Bowler #9, Mayor Quimby
Quotes
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[as Maggie is born]
Homer : Aw, it's a boy... and what a boy!
Dr. Julius Hibbert : Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.
-
Homer : Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude Flanders : Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer : New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?
[pulls out the few remaining hairs on his head]
Homer : NOOOOOOO!
[He runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically]
-
Homer : Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns : I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Waylon Smithers : Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."
Mr. Burns : Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]
Mr. Burns : [reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."
-
Hans Gruber : Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
Homer : Not on MY shift.
-
[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Homer : Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Homer : Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
Lisa Simpson : [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge Simpson : That's what really happened.
Lisa Simpson : Oh.
-
Michael : Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!
Knight Boat : You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
[the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]
Michael : We'll never catch them now!
Knight Boat : Incorrect. Look: a canal.
Homer : Go, Knight Boat, go!
Bart : [groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.
Lisa Simpson : Or an inlet.
Bart : Or a fjord.
Homer : Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.
-
Bart : Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
Homer : Oh, just that one time.
Marge Simpson : Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
[cut to Marge telling Homer]
Homer : You're pregnant?
[shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]
Marge Simpson : And then, when I told him about Lisa...
[cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]
Homer : You're pregnant again?
[repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]
-
Homer : Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
Marge Simpson : Bart, let your father tell the story!
Homer : Yeah!
Bart : Okay, but I know funny.
-
[while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant]
Homer : [feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.
Dr. Julius Hibbert : One more push ought to do it.
Homer : Marvelous.
Dr. Julius Hibbert : Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.
Homer : Okay.
[He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb]
Homer : Huh?
[He looks at her]
Marge Simpson : Homie, she's saying hello.
Homer : [gazing adoringly at Maggie] Hello!
-
[Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge]
Homer : Oh, we're doomed!
Marge Simpson : [voice-over] Homer, you had a head.
Homer : [voice-over] Check.
[in the flashback, Homer's head pops back]
-
[Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg]
Marge Simpson : Do you have to be so graphic?
Homer : Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
-
[Homer has laid eyes on Maggie for the first time]
Homer : Aww, it's a boy.
[looking down]
Homer : And *what* a boy!
Dr. Julius Hibbert : Ah, no. That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.