- James Hacker: Fortunately, Bernard, most of our journalists are so incompetent they'd have the gravest difficulty in finding out that today is Wednesday.
- Bernard Woolley: It's actually Thursday.
- [discussing a hospital that has 500 administrators, but no doctors, nurses, or patients]
- James Hacker: You think it's functioning now?
- Mrs. Rogers: Minister, it's one of the best run hospitals in the country. It's up for the Florence Nightingale Award.
- James Hacker: And what, pray, is that?
- Mrs. Rogers: It's won by the most hygienic hospital in the area.
- [Jim Hacker has just learned about a brand new hospital with a staff of 500 administrators, but no doctors, nurses or patients from his driver]
- James Hacker: Humphrey I'm appauled!
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: So am I, minister!
- James Hacker: The incompetence of it all. The stupidity!
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: I agree. I can't think what came over you!
- Sir Ian Whitchurch: [to Sir Humphrey] First of all you have to sort out the smooth running of the hospital. Having patients around would be no help at all.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: We are going to get some patients into St. Edwards... eventually, aren't we?
- Sir Ian Whitchurch: It's possible. Certainly our present intention. In a year or two. Probably.
- Billy Fraser: I can assure you, and I I'd like to take this opportunity to assure the general public, that every stone will be left unturned in a search for the settlement.
- [last lines]
- James Hacker: Tell the press that it was *my* decision, and that everybody's happy.
- Bernard Woolley: Uh, do, do you want to give them a quote, Minister?
- James Hacker: Oh, why not. Say it was a tough decision, but a necessary one... if Britain is to retain the name of, um...
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: The compassionate society, Minister?
- James Hacker: Thank you, Humphrey. The compassionate society. You got that, Bernard?
- Bernard Woolley: Oh, uh, yes, Minister.