- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits"] What would Destiny's Child be, do you think? Oh well, forget it.
- Ryan Stiles: Hmm, I think it would be Rip Torn.
- [audience laughs]
- Ryan Stiles: I don't know why, I just think it would be!
- Colin Mochrie: Sometimes, I just wonder why I talk to you.
- Ryan Stiles: 'Cause if you didn't, you wouldn't be talking to anyone.
- Colin Mochrie: That's right. I'd still get better answers.
- Wayne Brady: [in "Press Conference", Colin's quirk is "Tin Man announcing he and Dorothy have just had a child"] What do you think about the public's, uh, reaction to this news?
- Colin Mochrie: I say screw the public. If they can't handle this, then I can't handle it.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Hats", wearing a pilot helmet] Care to come sit in my cockpit?
- [later, he's wearing the helmet again]
- Ryan Stiles: Now that you're in my cockpit, do you mind if I eject?
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Greatest Hits"] What comes to mind when I say kielbasa and accordions?
- Colin Mochrie: Broccoli.
- [audience laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: And enough gas to light a small country!
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Greatest Hits"] Now I'm happy! You know why?
- Ryan Stiles: Huh?
- Colin Mochrie: 'Cause I'm thinkin' metal.
- Ryan Stiles: Ooh.
- [knocks on Colin's head]
- Ryan Stiles: King, king.
- Colin Mochrie: Nothin' better than the "king king" sound of metal.
- Ryan Stiles: Oh, you're talkin' HEAVY metal.
- Colin Mochrie: I'm just talkin' metal. It could be heavy, it could be light. It could be aluminum, it could be lead. Is lead a metal? I don't know. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. You know...
- Ryan Stiles: Hey, you just rapped there. Did you know that?
- Colin Mochrie: I TOLD you: I'm a child of the streets!
- [crosses his arms; Ryan does the same]
- Colin Mochrie: But I also have a soft spot in my heart for metal. And when I hear this metal tune, my heart starts poppin' like a two bit...
- [audience laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: bit. And of course, I'm talking about "Shut Those Kids Up, I'm Trying to Sleep".
- Greg Proops: [in "World's Worst", about instructional videos]
- [impersonating Bill Clinton]
- Greg Proops: Hi. I used to be president. Some of you might have trouble meetin' the ladies.
- Drew Carey: I'm Richard Simmons, and I'm gonna show YOU how to pick up girls!
- [walks backwards and almost loses his footing]
- Colin Mochrie: To clap, raise one hand, then the other, keeping them an equi-distance apart. Then, force them together at a speed which makes this sound:
- [claps]
- Colin Mochrie: Repeat.
- [claps]
- Colin Mochrie: Repeat.
- Greg Proops: [in surfer accent] Hello, dudes and dudettes, and welcome to "How to Deliver a Pizza".
- Colin Mochrie: Welcome to "Dogs Have Prostates, Too".
- Ryan Stiles: Take the magazine in your hand. Lower your pants, and sit. Now read.
- [mimes reading]
- Ryan Stiles: Once again...
- [Wayne buzzes him out]
- Greg Proops: How would YOU like to be an exotic dancer?
- [shakes his hips]
- Greg Proops: [both Drew and Colin step forward at the same time; Wayne buzzes both out before they say anything. Greg steps forward with another joke, lying down] Hello, and welcome to "Drinking for Professionals".
- Ryan Stiles: Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're gonna learn how to walk backwards. Look behind you. Look behind you while you're walking. There's a stair. Lift your foot onto the stair, pushing yourself up onto the stair.
- Drew Carey: Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles. Welcome to my lovemaking secrets tape.
- [mimes smoking]
- Drew Carey: This tape will end in sixty seconds.
- Ryan Stiles: I wish!
- Colin Mochrie: Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand...
- [Wayne buzzes him out; Colin steps forward again]
- Colin Mochrie: Oh, those frustrating gerbil skins!
- Greg Proops: Hi, I'm Bill from the NRA, and it's gun safety week-
- [mimes accidentally shooting himself in the head, falling to the floor]
- Ryan Stiles: [walks forward and looks silently to the left] Ten more minutes, we can put on a second coat.
- [demonstrates "how to walk backward" again; Drew leaves his spot to playfully push Ryan]
- Greg Proops: [acting hung over] Ugh. Good morning.
- [coughs]
- Greg Proops: Welcome to "How to be a Scoutmaster". Now...
- [pause; Wayne buzzes]
- Greg Proops: [amused] That's where the buzzer goes.
- Drew Carey: Hi, Scouts. Welcome to "Anyone Can Masturbate".
- Drew Carey: The points are like anything standing directly behind Jennifer Lopez.
- [audience woos]
- Drew Carey: She is so fine.