Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• Jennie Malloy : Well, it's just a pimple. And she's a mature young lady. A little blemish isn't going to turn her head around.

  [Tiffany enters with her hair swept over her face from behind, her visage completely covered] 

  Ryan Malloy : Look! It's Cousin It!

  Tiffany Malloy : [from behind thick curtain of hair]  Don't look at me! And spare me your false pity! I want real pity, I'm deformed!

  Jennie Malloy : [soothing]  Oh, honey, let me have a look.

  [brushes away hair] 

  Jennie Malloy : Oh, why, you can hardly see it. Jack, come tell her how tiny it is.

  Jack Malloy : [engrossed in newspaper, hadn't been listening, only heard last bit]  Hey, I thought we agreed to lay off those jokes.

  Jennie Malloy : [sighs]  The pimple, Jack.

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, the pimple. Very funny.

• Jennie Malloy : [to get her mind off the zit]  Focus on the positive. Do something that makes you happy.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, I know what makes me happy. I'll go weigh myself.

  [heads off to bathroom] 

• Jennie Malloy : [Tiffany screams blue murder from the bathroom]  Honey, what's the matter?

  Tiffany Malloy : [comes rushing in, panicking]  Oh my God, oh my God! I gained ten pounds!

  [sobs] 

  Jennie Malloy : [looking her daughter's slim figure up and down]  Where?

  Tiffany Malloy : [pointing to the zit]  Well, this thing weighs at least six, but that still means I gained four pounds.

  [as the awful reality sinks in:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh my God! I'm a pimply, fat girl!

  Ryan Malloy : [gleefully]  Maybe you're pregnant.

  Tiffany Malloy : [huffily]  I happen to be a virgin.

  Ryan Malloy : There's other ways to get pregnant, you know. I mean, you sit on a toilet seat, don't you?

  Tiffany Malloy : No, I don't! I hover.

• Ross Malloy : [still in his Woody Harrelson Natural Born Killers phase, shaven head, leather jacket]  I think we'll all feel better when I get a gun.

  Jennie Malloy : [surveying her youngest child]  Maybe we should talk to him.

  Tiffany Malloy : Who cares about him? I have a zit!

  [still in shock] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I can't believe it! I built my entire life around my physical beauty, I thought it would last forever, you know, till I was, like, twenty-five.

  [said with distaste] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Ooh what a fool I was. Well, now it's gone, And there's only one thing left for me to do. I'm going to have to develop a personality.

• Barry : [at cafeteria table]  Who needs a personality? Amber doesn't have one.

  Amber Moss : I hide it with the proper accessories. And you're depressing me. So let's talk about Italian shoes and,

  [fondly:] 

  Amber Moss : ugh, Chanel scarves.

  Tiffany Malloy : Guys, guys, guys, people with real personalities do not need to talk about those superficial trappings. Now, maybe I should take the energy I use for lining my lips and channel it into curing the homeless.

  Amber Moss : What's wrong with the homeless?

  Tiffany Malloy : [gasps]  I don't even know that!

  [tries pulling herself together] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Okay, let's all talk about things that really matter, like that Bosnia deal.

  Amber Moss : [as a couple walks by]  Those are great shoes! I have to find out where Cindy got them!

  [scampers off] 

  Barry : [gay]  That's a great guy! I have to find out where Cindy got him!

  [scampers off] 

• Tiffany Malloy : [once the scale has been fixed]  I'm finally back under what science considers healthy!