Deborah Kellner: Muffy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Muffy : [as Tiffany enters college library wearing short black dress]  Tiffy, you look great! I can't wait till my mother dies so that I can wear black!

  Tiffany Malloy : I get to park in all the handicapped spots too!

  Muffy : Because your mother's dead?

  Tiffany Malloy : No! Because I'm wearing this dress! I can do anything I want, the cops just smile and wave.

  [waves] 

  Tiffany Malloy : They're outside right now, washing my car.

  Muffy : Don't you miss your Mom?

  Tiffany Malloy : Who? Oh, yes, yes, very much, but she's still kind of, uh, with us in *spirit.*

• Tiffany Malloy : [Ryan enters the library with a brown paper bag wafting eerily behind him]  Ryan, what are you doing?

  Ryan Malloy : Mom brought me my lunch. She wanted to come haunt us in school. She's more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys!

  Muffy : [can't figure this out]  How do you do that?

  Ryan Malloy : Well, actually, us magicians do not like to tell, but... I got a dead mother! She's a ghost.

  Jennie Malloy : [appears]  Ta-dah!

  [but can only be seen by her children] 

  Muffy : How come I can't see her?

  Ryan Malloy : Well, nobody saw that Ted Danson show either. Doesn't mean it didn't exist.

  Tiffany Malloy : [to her mother]  Will you please stop touching my hair? How would you like it if I did that to your hair?

  Muffy : You're lucky. I'd much rather have a dead mother touching me than my live uncle.

  Jennie Malloy : [to Tiffany]  Oh, come on! Lighten up! Have some fun too! Well, you don't have that many years left. I looked in the Big Book.

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm dying soon?

  [voice catching] 

  Jennie Malloy : No, I'm kidding!

  [laughs] 

  Jennie Malloy : Oh, it's just the scamp in me! I'm kinda like a cross between Casper and Della Reese. Now, if you'll excuse me, I sold all the clothes from the football team, and practice is *just* about over. Time for my own little *hot butt contest!*

  Ryan Malloy : Oh, that Mom! I haven't had this much fun with a dead person since the time we put that hamster in Grandma's coffin!

  Tiffany Malloy : [remembers happily]  Whoo-hoo!