- Jake Harper: [just learned that he has to spend the night at Evelyn's] What did I ever do to you?
- Alan Harper: It's - it's not a punishment.
- Jake Harper: It's not a prize! I'm calling Mom!
- Alan Harper: No, no, no! No calling Mom.
- Jake Harper: I know my rights! I get one phone call!
- Charlie Harper: Give your Dad a break. So he lied. You don't get the virgin to the volcano by telling her you're gonna push her in!
- Evelyn Harper: Excuse me! I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two!
- Charlie Harper: Really? The teen-age drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tip-off?
- Charlie Harper: [about Jake] You realize, that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
- Alan Harper: He broke her.
- Charlie Harper: He chewed her up and spit her out.
- Alan Harper: It was a beautiful thing.
- Charlie Harper: Clearly he is the chosen one...
- Alan Harper: [speaking in awe] And they shall call him, "Jake".
- Kimberly: [takes a drink] I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".
- Charlie Harper: Is that so?
- Kimberly: [takes a drink] Yeah. I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".
- Charlie Harper: Uh huh.
- Kimberly: [takes a drink] Oh, yeah. She was a big influence on me. She raised me. I called her "Nana".
- Charlie Harper: Oh, Jake... What have we done to you?