- Jake Harper: [telling Charlie a joke] There's two muffins sitting side-by-side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!", and the other one says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"
- Jake Harper: Hey, Uncle Charlie! What's green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Jake Harper: A pool table! It's funny 'cause you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.
- Evelyn Harper: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac.
- Jake Harper: Nowadays, you're supposed to say African-American-disiac.
- Charlie Harper: [about sexual frustration] I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting a cop until he shoots you?
- Charlie Harper: [about whether or not to have sex] Me? I have to make this decision? That's like asking the fat kid to guard the pie!