- Stanley Roper: Uh, listen, Joan, there was something I wanna tell you that I didn't tell you before... but, uh... don't take it hard, huh, kid?
- Joan: You mean you lied about your half-inch pipe?
- Stanley Roper: Well... well... I wouldn't lie about that.
- Joan: I'm relieved.
- [first lines]
- Chrissy Snow: [been reading book] Janet, do you dream a lot?
- Janet Wood: [ironing] Oh... it depends on what I've had for dinner.
- Chrissy Snow: [hesitates] Do you dream dirty?
- Janet Wood: Is John Denver dirty?
- Chrissy Snow: No.
- Chrissy Snow: [shrugging motion] Then I'm clean.
- [continues ironing]
- Chrissy Snow: Why?
- Chrissy Snow: Well, it's this book I am reading.
- Janet Wood: Look Beyond Your Dreams?
- Chrissy Snow: Yeah, it's got me so scared I'm afraid to go to sleep. I mean, according to this book, I must be a depraved sex fiend.
- Janet Wood: Wow,
- [grins]
- Janet Wood: what have you been dreaming about?
- Chrissy Snow: Well, the other night I dreamed I was back in school, and I went to the prom wearing blue shoes.
- Janet Wood: So, what's wrong with that?
- Chrissy Snow: No dress!
- Janet Wood: Oh.
- Chrissy Snow: You know, it doesn't seem to matter what I dream about, In this book even chocolate chip cookies are sexy.
- Janet Wood: No kidding! Gee, they never turn me on! Listen, Chrissy, if I were you I would not worry. I mean, dreams can be whatever you want them to.
- Chrissy Snow: Well, what about last night? I dreamed I was walking down this leafy lane eating a blueberry muffin, and suddenly there was this white unicorn with a tulip in its teeth.
- Janet Wood: A unicorn?
- [shakes her head]
- Janet Wood: Well, that doesn't mean...
- Chrissy Snow: Well, look it up, look it up!
- [hands over the book]
- Chrissy Snow: Look under "unicorn."
- Janet Wood: Okay
- [chuckles:]
- Janet Wood: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- [finds entry]
- Janet Wood: Unicorn... is the classic symbol... Whoa!
- Chrissy Snow: See?
- Janet Wood: Yeah, this is better than John Denver!
- Chrissy Snow: [after Helen found Stanley being kissed] Poor Mrs. Roper...!
- Jack Tripper: Why did you have to bring her here? I thought you two were gonna stay home tonight and eat that dinner I left for you.
- Janet Wood: No. No way! Besides, I never had sweetbreads before.
- Chrissy Snow: And I've never had brains.
- [Jack pats her on the forehead sympathetically]