- Harvey: [photographer in studio] Where's Freddy? We've got a lot of work to do!
- Sally: [his model] I don't know.
- Harvey: Oh, well, let's get some shots of you while we're waiting.
- Sally: Okay! Oh, what will we be doing today?
- Harvey: It's a new series called Bedroom Playground.
- [enthuses:]
- Harvey: Ah! And a centerfold.
- Sally: Oh, good! I haven't done a centerfold for ages.
- Harvey: No, It's not for you, darling, it's for Freddy. If he ever gets here.
- [checks watch inpatiently]
- Sally: [whines] How come the guys are getting all the centerfolds?
- Harvey: Equal rights.
- Sally: [shrugs] Would you like me to wear my black fishnets and my lace garter belt?
- Harvey: Not for this layout. Just wear your dimples.
- Sally: I can't just wear a garter belt. I have a head cold.
- Harvey: Then wear a wig.
- [she whacks him on his shoulder with her hairbrush, then goes off to the changing booth, starts undressing]
- Jack Tripper: [enters studio] Hi.
- Harvey: Yes?
- Jack Tripper: I came in answer to your ad. Look, I'm gonna be very frank with you. I've had no experience,
- [Harvey nods]
- Jack Tripper: and I know you're talking to a lot of people
- [Harvey nods again]
- Jack Tripper: and I know you'd like to see some references just to make sure I'm qualified, but I work very hard and be very cooperative, so... feel free to ask me anything you'd like.
- Harvey: What's your name?
- Jack Tripper: Uh, Jack Tripper.
- Harvey: You got the job.
- Jack Tripper: No, you don't...
- [realizes:]
- Jack Tripper: I have?
- Harvey: You're in pretty good shape, are you?
- Jack Tripper: Oh, yeah. 42 chest, 31 waist...
- Harvey: What about the rest of you?
- Jack Tripper: Fantastic.
- Harvey: Take off your clothes.
- Jack Tripper: Uh... uh, are we modeling bathing suits?
- Harvey: No. Birthday suits.
- [Jack is of course totally taken aback]
- Harvey: What's wrong?
- Jack Tripper: Why, I just thought I was supposed to model clothes.
- Harvey: Do you want the job or don't you?
- Jack Tripper: Yeah, but I don't wanna pose...
- [embarrassed:]
- Jack Tripper: naked.
- Harvey: Not naked. Nude.
- Jack Tripper: What's the difference?
- Harvey: Oh, there's all the difference in the world. Naked is dirty. Nude is...
- [grandiose gesture]
- Harvey: art. And that's what my pictures are. Art.
- Jack Tripper: Uh, can I ask you something? Uh, what... what are these pictures for?
- Harvey: Living Love.
- [disappears under photographer's cloak]
- Jack Tripper: Uh, excuse me?
- [gives Harvey a start by peering into lens]
- Jack Tripper: What's Living Love?
- Harvey: You've heard of Playboy?
- Jack Tripper: Yeah, sure.
- Harvey: Good. Now you've heard of Living Love.
- Jack Tripper: I don't think I wanna do this.
- Jack Tripper: I don't think I wanna do this.
- Harvey: Ashamed of your body?
- Jack Tripper: Of course not. It's just I have certain principles and there's some things I will not do. And one of them is...
- Harvey: Did you come here to debate or to make ten bucks an hour?
- Jack Tripper: Oh, where do I get undressed?
- Harvey: Right in there.
- [directs him to changing booth]
- Sally: [Jack pulls away curtain of first changing booth, surprising nude model inside] What?
- Jack Tripper: I didn't know this
- [stammers]
- Jack Tripper: cubicle was taken, otherwise I wouldn't have come... barging... in here like this. Uh, I'm, I'm really... I'm really sorry... I... I would have knocked... I hope I haven't, uh...
- Harvey: It's...
- Jack Tripper: No, this one seems , uh, to be taken.
- Harvey: Then why don't you use the empty one, huh?
- Jack Tripper: Oh, right.
- [to nude model:]
- Jack Tripper: Well, see ya.
- Sally: You've just seen it!
- [Jack goes 'next door' to the other changing booth]
- Harvey: [speaking to his models behind their curtains] That was Sally. Sally, this is Jack. I'm using him instead of Freddy.
- [walks off]
- Sally: [from behind curtain] Hi, Jack!
- Jack Tripper: [from behind curtain] Hi, Sally!
- Sally: You're cute!
- Jack Tripper: Well,
- [chuckles]
- Jack Tripper: you're cute too!
- Harvey: [setting up camera] I'll be with you kids in a minute.
- Jack Tripper: Oh, uh, well, listen, Sally... why don't you go ahead of me? I can wait, I've got plenty of time.
- Sally: [laughs] We're posing together, silly!
- Jack Tripper: [comes running out of booth with his pair of shoes in front of his underpants] You did not tell me I would be posing with a girl.
- Harvey: Oh, what's wrong with that?
- Jack Tripper: Well, well, we'll both be naked.
- Harvey: [exasperated] Nude!
- Jack Tripper: What about my family and my friends?
- Harvey: No, I only want you and the girl.
- Jack Tripper: What if they see me?
- Harvey: What?
- Jack Tripper: What if my family and my friends see me in a...
- Harvey: Oh, don't worry about that. You see, the way I use light and shadow, nobody will see your face. I'll show you what I mean.
- [picks up one of his photographs]
- Harvey: Here's a shot I took yesterday.
- [Jack still clutches his pair of shoes in front of him]
- Jack Tripper: You've got one... You got four people there.
- Harvey: [proudly points out:] Five.
- [Jack drops the shoes]
- Chrissy Snow: [Jack's wary about using a razor] It's okay, I'll shave you, Jack.
- Jack Tripper: Are you kidding? What happens if you cut my ear off?
- Chrissy Snow: I'll say I'm sorry.
- Jack Tripper: Yeah, but I won't be able to hear you.
- Chrissy Snow: Don't worry! I know how to use it. I used it on my grandfather every day that he was ill.
- Janet Wood: Oh, you mean the one without a nose?
- Chrissy Snow: [plays along] That's him.
- Janet Wood: You know we can't afford to eat all kinds of food every night.
- Chrissy Snow: Especially with one of us not working.
- Jack Tripper: Oh, you don't have to spare my feelings, Chrissy. Why don't you just come right out and say it? We all know which one of us is not working.
- Chrissy Snow: All right. You're the one that's not working.
- Jack Tripper: That hurt. You got a mean streak in you, Chrissy.
- Chrissy Snow: Well, you asked me to say...
- [shrugging gesture]
- Jack Tripper: I have been looking through these want ads all day.
- Janet Wood: Oh, here, lemme look for a while.
- [takes newspaper from Jack]
- Janet Wood: Well, there's a lot of part-time jobs listed here.
- Jack Tripper: Yeah, I know, but none I can fit in with my school hours.
- Janet Wood: Well, how about this one right here? "Young man wanted to sell encyclopedias, set your own hours, good commission."
- Jack Tripper: Yeah, I thought about that one, but it's not for me.
- Janet Wood: Why not?
- Jack Tripper: Well, I don't know. Selling door-to-door, and hearing all those women say no, I couldn't take all that rejection.
- Chrissy Snow: I don't see why not. You have enough practice here with us.
- [Jack head-butts her in the small of her back, she is annoyed by that]
- Janet Wood: Oh, wait, here's another one. "Male models wanted, ten dollars an hour. Must be tall, young and good-looking."
- Jack Tripper: [pretends to be shy] No, they wouldn't want me.
- Janet Wood: Why not? You're tall.
- Jack Tripper: Yeah..
- Chrissy Snow: And young.
- Jack Tripper: Yeah...
- [big conceited smile, then waits for the rest, but it's not forthcoming]
- Jack Tripper: And?
- Janet Wood: Maybe they won't notice.