That '70s Show (TV Series)

Red Fired Up (2000)

Ashton Kutcher: Michael Kelso

Quotes 

• [the guys are sitting in The Circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up] 

  Michael Kelso : Fellas, I've been thinkin'. There's a lot of ladies out there, right? And I haven't seen nearly enough of 'em naked. It's like the world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it. Nothin' but hot, new ladies from here on in. I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.

  [the next scene shows the Formans' front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there, holding flowers] 

  Michael Kelso : Hello, Mrs Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie.

  Kitty Forman : [laughs]  No, no, no. You mean Eric.

  Michael Kelso : No, uh, Laurie. Your other kid.

  Kitty Forman : Like, why?

  Steven Hyde : [Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso]  You're datin' Laurie? That's not different, man. You're boldly going where *every* man's gone before!

  Kitty Forman : [turns around]  Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.

  [Laurie comes down the stairs] 

  Laurie Forman : Hi, Kelso!

  [notices the flowers] 

  Laurie Forman : Did you buy me those?

  Michael Kelso : Yeah, just like you told me.

  Laurie Forman : No, I told you *roses*! Come on, doofus!

  [she walks out the door with Kelso] 

  Steven Hyde : No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

  Kitty Forman : [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde]  That's not funny.

• Laurie Forman : [Jackie and Laurie are arguing in the basement]  You better watch your back!

  Jackie Burkhardt : Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on *yours*!

  Michael Kelso : Burn!

  [Laurie looks shocked] 

  Michael Kelso : Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by a super-good burn.

• Michael Kelso : [finishing Hyde's pizza]  This doesn't taste like monkey butt!

• Michael Kelso : I just realized Jackie's short, and I don't like short people.

• Michael Kelso : [feeling down since he and Jackie broke up]  I am really hurting here, and I'm totally lonely.

  Steven Hyde : Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complained less than you.

  Fez : Kelso, what do you miss about her? All she ever did was call you names. Hey, I can do that for you. 'You idiot!' See?

  Michael Kelso : [completely sincere]  Thanks, Fez.

  Fez : No problem, fart-face.