- [Jim is taking his driver's test]
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: [to Bobby] Psst. What does a yellow light mean?
- Bobby Wheeler: Slow down.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. What... does... a... yellow... light... mean?
- Bobby Wheeler: Slow down!
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. Wwwwhhhaaaat dooeesss aaaa yyyeeeellllowwww lllliiiight mmmmeeeannn?
- Bobby Wheeler: [Gritting his teeth angrily] Slow down!
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaat dddddddoooooooeeeeeesssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwww liiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhtt mmmmmeeeeeeaaaaaan?
- [Jim is down at the DMV taking his driver's test]
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okay, here we go. Hey, uh, give me a little help on this one.
- Tony Banta: You forgot your last name?
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I've been busy.
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, what was your father's name?
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Ignatowski.
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, maybe that's your name too.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: You know, I think you're right!
- Alex Reiger: Good.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Eyes?
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: No, don't put two.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: They mean color, don't they? What color are my eyes?
- Bobby Wheeler: [staring into Jim's eyes] Elaine, do you want to take a stab at this one?
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, you can rule out white.
- Alex Reiger: Call them brown.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okey doke. Let's see... height! I don't know, about five-ten?
- [Bobby, Alex and Elaine nod in agreement]
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Weight. This is a very relative question, because if I were in space, I'd be weightless.
- Tony Banta: You are in space.
- Alex Reiger: Jim, they mean earth weight.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: This is the most reading I've done in years. My brown eyes hurt!
- Bobby Wheeler: [Bobby helps Jim fill out his test] Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Hasn't everyone?
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Put no.
- Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: That's a tough choice.
- Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Put no!
- Bobby Wheeler: OK, that's it! You ready for the test.
- Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I thought that was the test!
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?
- Elaine Nardo: A lot.
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Wow! Right on the nose!
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I went to Woodstock.
- Bobby Wheeler: Oh yeah? You went to Woodstock?
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yep, half a million people gathered together in peace and harmony, grooving to Joni and The Who... hey, you know, if I hadn't gone, there would have only been 499,999 people... lucky for them I went.
- [during a written driving test]
- "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean?
- Bobby Wheeler: Slow down.
- "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: What... does... the... yellow... light... mean?
- Bobby Wheeler: Slow down!
- "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?
- [while filling out an application]
- Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
- "Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Now that's a tough choice...
- [filling out a form]
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Eyes...
- Elaine Nardo: No, don't put two.
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Oh, they mean color, don't they?
- Bobby Wheeler: We were wondering if you would join us for a few minutes?
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Well, what did you decide?