- Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. It's called "The Ugly Barnacle": Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End.
- [SpongeBob commenting on Patrick's disgusting breath]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah! Barnacles, Patrick. What did you eat?
- Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No, I just meant just this morning.
- Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What else?
- Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [realizes] Sundae...
- [whips out what's left of it]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!
- Patrick: Whatcha mean?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [coughs] I mean, we're not ugly, we just stink!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm a fry cook, darn it! You can take away my spatula, but when you take away my dignity, that's when I get mad!
- Patrick: What is wrong with you people? Afraid to look ugliness in the face?
- [holding SpongeBob in front of everyone]
- Patrick: Well, here! Look at it! It's ugly, isn't it?
- [sticks SpongeBob in front of a group]
- Patrick: You look at it!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hello.
- [the group runs away]
- Patrick: [sticks SpongeBob in front of another group of people] You look at it!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi.
- [the group runs away]
- Patrick: Look at it!
- [the entire theater runs away]
- Patrick: Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it!
- [everyone in the theater runs away]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [from a rooftoop] I'm ugly and I'm proud!
- Squidward: Is *that* what he calls it?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What's in the box?
- Pearl: It's a surprise.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I like surprises.
- Pearl: Great, then close your eyes.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
- [Pearl puts box over SpongeBob]
- Squidward: Well, I like it so far.
- Pearl: [Lifts box; SpongeBob is wearing a pink flower leotard with deely-bobs] Ta-da! It's the new Krusty Krab uniform. I made it myself.
- Squidward: All right, SpongeBob, this is it. Now tell her what you really think of that uniform.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Right. Pearl... this is the best uniform ever!
- Squidward: Fish paste.
- Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Krazy Krab, or the Kooky Krab?
- Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
- Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, the Krusty Krab has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think it's crusty? Bleagh!
- Squidward: Sure, it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I got it! How about the Khaotic Krab?
- Pearl: Or the Kissy Krab? Mwa-mwa-mwa.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: The King Krab.
- Pearl: The Kandy Krab.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: The Kool Krab. Or the Kowboy Krab. The Kurly Krab. The Kreepy Krab. The Killer Krab!
- Pearl: Ahh! No.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You're right, too scary.
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Pearl: Hmm... The Kuddly Krab!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Let's see what's in my to-do list.
- [Pulls out a long list]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: "Go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work..." That's not right. I need the list for Sunday.
- [Pulls out an index card]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah, here we go. "Say 'hi' to everyone in Bikini Bottom."
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [entering the bathroom] Patrick, is everything okay in here?
- [hears Patrick whimpering and he then opens a stall and finds him sitting on a toilet with a paper bag over his head]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you doing in there, Patrick?
- Patrick: Wouldn't you like to know?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And why is that bag on your head?
- Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly!
- [removes the bag and points at his face, Spongebob then screams in terror]
- Patrick: Well, what am I gonna do? I can't go out looking like this!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride!
- Patrick: That may fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people, now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you!
- [his stinky breath reaches Spongebob and he gags and holds his nose in disgust]
- Patrick: I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick.
- Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick.
- Patrick: Oh my gosh. If my sister finds out...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick.
- Patrick: Oh, wait, I don't have a sister. If the bank...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick.
- Patrick: Oh, maybe it's one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: PAAATRIIIIIIICCK!
- [Patrick stops talking]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You're not ugly, your breath stinks, really bad.
- Patrick: Oh, what a relief.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [noticing Patrick] Oh, hi, Patrick. I'm confused.
- Patrick: Yes, I am.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, everyone is running away from me. Watch.
- [walks over to a building]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, building!
- [his stinky breath hits the building and it springs to life and moves away]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I just don't get it!
- Patrick: [SpongeBob's stinky breath hits Patrick but since he has no nose it just bounces off his face] I don't either. Maybe it's the way you're dressed.
- [shows a close up of SpongeBob's clothes]
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: Nah.
- Patrick: Maybe it's your voice.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [SpongeBob laughs obnoxiously for a long time] Good one, Patrick.
- Patrick: Well, maybe it's... just because you're ugly
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Ugly?
- [puts his finger in his mouth and wipes it across his eyebrows then strikes a pose]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You've got to be kidding me.
- Patrick: Better try your reflection test.
- [hands SpongeBob a mirror]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [to his reflection] Hi!
- [his reflection smells his breath and reacts in disgust then smashes the mirror with a hammer]
- Patrick: Ugly!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am!
- Patrick: Sure, they would. It makes them feel better about the way they look.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won't be a distraction to you.
- Fred: Not at all, boy.
- [smells his breath]
- Fred: *Deuueaugh!*
- Pearl: That Squidward is such a barnacle head.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: A stick in the sand.
- Pearl: But not you, SpongeBob. You are full of style.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You really think so?
- Pearl: Totally, SB. You ooze fashion.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, a parade! Hi, parade! Hi, tuba player! Hi, drummer! Hi, guy with the cymbals! Hi, trumpeter! Hi, tambourine girl! Hi, timbale man! Hi, didgeridoo player! Hi, triangle player! Hi, guy with the kettle drum! Hi, pianist! Hi, guy with the flute! And helloooooooo, Dolly!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Something weird is going on today. Everyone's running away from me. And now... giant piles of bubblegum? Oh, what next?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [jumps onto a moving car] Am I ugly?
- [the stench of SpongeBob's breath reaches the driver]
- Fish #4: MY EYES! MY EYES!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [crying] How long, how long have I been ugly, Patrick?
- Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor, ugly thing, you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [jumps onto a moving car] Am I ugly?
- [the stench of SpongeBob's breath reaches the driver]
- Driver: MY EYES! MY EYES!
- Patrick: Okay, now, say it.
- [SpongeBob doesn't say anything]
- Patrick: Say it.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't.
- Patrick: SpongeBob, you're never gonna feel better 'til you get this thing off your chest.
- [Reveals a pusating suction cup creature stuck to SpongeBob's chest]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I know, Patrick.
- [removes it]