The Sopranos (TV Series)

Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist's Office (2000)

James Gandolfini: Tony Soprano

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tony Soprano : [while in the backyard, referring to her cigarette]  let me get a "hit" off that

  Janice Soprano : [Sarcastically, implying his scared of Carmella because his sneaking outside to smoke]  oh, look who's in charge here

  Tony Soprano : You look sensational, really, I was out of line

  Janice Soprano : Two beautiful kids: you must be proud

  Tony Soprano : Yeah, how about that huh? Even with our genes

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to her lover]  so you still with that "Adolf?"

  Janice Soprano : [Correcting him]  Ralph, no Ralph went back to Andorra. You seem good, "wood"-wise

  Tony Soprano : Yeah, things are good these days

  Janice Soprano : So how are things really with Ma?

  Tony Soprano : She's dead to me

  Janice Soprano : I don't want to get in your way here. You're the one who stayed: took the "brunt", Barb and I are never gonna forget that

  Tony Soprano : Well, you forgot about it for about it for... twenty years, at least Barb pitched in

  Janice Soprano : I know I made my share of mistakes but Ma can't stay in the hospital forever

  Tony Soprano : Let me tell about the "stroke" of hers and I got this from a doctor: it's called a "conversion reaction", it's a big fuckin "opry" brought on by repressed rage: it's bullshit, there was no "infarct", whatever the fuck

  Janice Soprano : Yeah but they also the symptoms are similar to a stroke so the results are the same: she cannot take care of herself

  Tony Soprano : She's "on the lamb" in that hospital from me

  Janice Soprano : Who did what to who is not my business. All I know is that mom is bewildered by all of this, I mention you and her eyes fill up with tears

  Tony Soprano : [Amused]  oh boy

  Janice Soprano : Look, I'm not asking you to step in here... it's my turn now, that's why I came

  Tony Soprano : She's a "streg", she's the devil

  Janice Soprano : She was, now she's just a confused old woman. So look, all I need is a couple bucks to fix her car so I can back and forth to the hospital, then I'll take her home to Seattle, maybe stay at her house here "temporarily"

  Tony Soprano : Oh, I doubt that, I just put her house on the market

  Janice Soprano : Oh

  Tony Soprano : [Before giving her money]  look, I'm glad you're here ok? You want to play Florence Nightingale? That's your choice, only this is the last time we mention her in this house

• Christopher Moltisanti : [while Tony grabs him by the mouth]  what's the matter now?

  Tony Soprano : What's the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage firm: your two friends beat the shit out of a broker, two others quit

  Christopher Moltisanti : The guy was pushing some other stock

  Tony Soprano : It attracts negative attention and then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building

  Christopher Moltisanti : I'll call them

  Tony Soprano : No, you'll go down there... now. What'd you get your license for? You're résumé? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage firm: you're the fuckin SEC compliance officer for Christ's sake, you gotta show impulse control, ok?

  Christopher Moltisanti : I'm sorry

• Tony Soprano : [about Janice]  She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!

• Hesh : [while entering his office in the Bada Bing strip club Tony's lawyer Neil]  hey Tony

  Tony Soprano : Hey counselor, how are you?

  Neil Mink : You look good huh?

  Tony Soprano : You want a drink?

  Neil Mink : [Referring to Tony including them in on his pump and dump stock market scheme]  no, before we commence a thousand thank you's for Webistics

  Tony Soprano : My pleasure

  Tony Soprano : So what'd we stand this month?

  Neil Mink : Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial

  Hesh : Neil thinks they'll liable to let him out

  Tony Soprano : Let him

  Neil Mink : Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again since you are at the helm it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds really limiting your exposure to potential RICO allegations

  Tony Soprano : Only way to run a family these days is "bunker style..."

  Tony Soprano : [after his cell phone rings and answers it]  excuse me, yeah?

  Carmela Soprano : [Over the phone]  you're not going to believe this, your sister's here

  Tony Soprano : Barbara?

  Carmela Soprano : No, Janice.

  Tony Soprano : You're shitting me

  Carmela Soprano : Nope

  Tony Soprano : Yeah I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is I'm going to be five grand lighter when she rain dances back to the commune. Alright tell her she can stay with us if she wants

  Carmela Soprano : Are you sure?

  Tony Soprano : Yeah we'll get Barbara and Tom down from Brewster and make a family reunion out of it but obviously...

  Carmela Soprano : Your mother's not welcome

  Tony Soprano : [Before hanging up with Carmella]  give Janice my love, see you later

  Tony Soprano : [to Neil and Hesh]  My sisters here from Seattle

• Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : There was a fuckin rat, so you finger me? You don't think I didn't realize what was going on? When you come to my house three o'clock in the fuckin afternoon telling me your my "friend". That's when I knew I was in trouble Anthony. When out of blue you start telling me your my "friend."

  Tony Soprano : Oh, is that right?You owe me an explanation and you know what I'm talking about

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Remind me to never get sick again huh? Remind me please to never have a serious illness because with you, Silvio, Paulie, and all you pricks weakness likes to spread around

  Tony Soprano : You know what? Fuck you! I don't what to hear about your fuckin back anymore. Who's your fuckin boss? Who gets the explanation? What am I suppose to trust you? You "off the reservation" cocksucker?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : It was a broad Tony, it was complicated. My back was for shit you knew that

  Tony Soprano : I don't want to hear anymore about your back

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [Referring to the diagnosis of his back]  That's how we met, this Spondylosis. That's why I was popping Percocets like freaking JuJubes. Anyway so my doctor prescribes this clinic in Puerto Rico. I didn't exactly object given the fuckin vibes around here. Go ahead, check

  Tony Soprano : You don't tell your wife your in the hospital?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : That twat brought on most of this

  Tony Soprano : How?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Listen, down there I met this girl, she's twenty-six. An acupuncturist. It was the only thing helping my Sciatic nerve. Anyway, one thing leads to another...

  Tony Soprano : [Interrupts him]  you can't send one word?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : I'm going to trust you? Paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me?

  Tony Soprano : So why'd you come back? What changed?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Nothing changed, that's the problem. I still got two kids in college, one just got married, and needs my help. I've got to start earning again. I've got to get my action back

  Tony Soprano : Oh, just like that?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : I came to you Tony. I'm in your hands

  Tony Soprano : [Opens his arms, implying to give each other a hug]  come here you fat fuck

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [Feeling insulted after Tony pats his back and rubs his chest to check for a wire, then referring to his testicles]  hey, do you want to pat this down too?

  Tony Soprano : don't you ever bullshit like this again

• Tony Soprano : [Standing in his kitchen while leaning on the island counter]  Coffee?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : No

  Tony Soprano : You look good, tan

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Yeah, right

  Tony Soprano : The "tan ghost"

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : You're a good guy Tony but you abuse that joking shit

  Tony Soprano : What'd got to say to me?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Yeah I'm back. I'm in a fuckin "tan" nightmare. What'd you think I'm stupid? I don't know it when everyone of my friends turns their hearts to stones against me

  Tony Soprano : Take it easy ok? I don't think your stupid

• Tony Soprano : [Yelling]  Tony!

  Tony Soprano : Jesus Christ

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Can I talk to you?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [Angrily]  where the fuck you been?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [Referring to the entrance of Tony's driveway, implying they should talk somewhere more private]  we're going to talk here?

  Tony Soprano : Come into the house

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : I got your word if I walk in there, I'm walking back out?

  Tony Soprano : I don't see you for all this time, no word: nothing. And this is the way you come back to me?

• Carmela Soprano : [to Janice]  how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?

  Janice Soprano : [Nods]  great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City

  Tony Soprano : [after coming down from upstairs]  what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?

  Tony Soprano : [Before they hug each other]  come here

  Janice Soprano : Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother

  Tony Soprano : How you doing Jan...?

  A.J. Soprano : [Reminding Tony Janice's surname]  Parvati

  Tony Soprano : [Pats him on the side of the head]  I'm her brother, I get a pass

  Tony Soprano : You look good, you look like... a teenager

  Janice Soprano : [to everybody]  my therapist says I'm "regressing"

  Tony Soprano : Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?

  Janice Soprano : The State of Washington: total disability

  Tony Soprano : Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr

  Janice Soprano : [Correcting him of the previous illness she had]  "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine

  Janice Soprano : [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter]  hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?

  Tony Soprano : Late, you know?

  Tony Soprano : [Irritated]  what the fuck is that smell?

  Janice Soprano : Miso soup, its seaweed

  A.J. Soprano : [to Tony, referring to Janice]  she's been telling us all about Seattle

  Tony Soprano : If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up

  Meadow Soprano : [Jokingly]  dad, how do you stay so hip?

  Janice Soprano : [to AJ and Meadow]  I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away

  Carmela Soprano : You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?

  Tony Soprano : Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

• Samantha Martin : [while the realtor shows the inside of Tony's mother's house after it's been vandalized]  I can't show it in this condition

  Tony Soprano : What the hell is this?

  Samantha Martin : There's a high school up the street

  Samantha Martin : [Pointing to the stain on the wall caused by the water damage as Tony and Carmella look]  a sink was left on upstairs: you don't even want to see the toilets

  Samantha Martin : [after her cell phone rings and walks away to answer it]  oh, excuse me

  Tony Soprano : [as he walks over to a broken window]  wait until I catch the kids that did this: break a few windows, they think their Johnny badass. The fuckin jackals

  Carmela Soprano : Will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood, and I need you to pick up sausage

  Tony Soprano : [Irritated]  yeah, yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet?

  Carmela Soprano : Don't you act like it's a chore: this party was your idea, you said you were happy Janice was home, and my parents are coming

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to his mother, surprised]  oh, really? What? Now that the dragon lady is gone they'll dwang to set foot in our house?

  Carmela Soprano : She said some horrible things to them over the years

  Tony Soprano : I'm not defending her, she's dead to me

  Carmela Soprano : I'm telling you, you, mope your way through this, I'll cut your throat

  Tony Soprano : What're you talking about mope? I've been in a great mood lately

  Carmela Soprano : [doubting him]  right, I think you need to start therapy again, you're self-medicating, we haven't had sex since...

  Tony Soprano : [interrupts her]  you forget it: no therapy

  Samantha Martin : [walks over to them after finishing her call, to Tony]  you should really take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom

• Tony Soprano : [During a therapy session with a new psychiatrist, referring to his car accident]  I told my family... I got "broadsided" but I passed out behind the wheel. See, my mother and me, we had a falling out and since then things have been good: a clean break

  Peter McClure : What kind of falling out?

  Tony Soprano : One of those unfortunate situations, a lot of screaming, profanity. Anyways, things are good and my sister came back, I mean it's good to see her I guess?

  Peter McClure : Cues from childhood kick in, an older sister that should be obvious enough

  Tony Soprano : Yeah but those feelings are starting to bleed into my business

  Peter McClure : What sort of business are you in?

  Tony Soprano : Commercial and non-transposable waste

  Peter McClure : [sighs, referring to the alias Tony told him]  Mr. "Spears", I watch the news like everyone else. I know who you are and I saw Analyze This and I don't need the ramifications of treating someone like yourself

  Tony Soprano : Analyze This?

  Peter McClure : Yeah

  Tony Soprano : Come on, it's a fuckin comedy

  Peter McClure : I'm not taking new patients right now

• Carmela Soprano : [after Tony told her he found the real estate for sale sign for Livia's house in the backseat of Janice's car]  I'm sure there's an explanation

  Tony Soprano : [Reiterating what Janice said on why she came back to New Jersey]  Take ma back to Seattle. She came here for the house and the four hundred dollar car: that was con from the start. That's the level she works at

  Carmela Soprano : Maybe the sign was broken? Maybe it fell down?

  Tony Soprano : I'm still a little fat kid to her, what does she think? She's going to stop the sale by picking up one fuckin sign?

  Tony Soprano : [Before walking over to wall and punching it]  If she were here I'd be bouncing her head against the wall!

  Carmela Soprano : Look at yourself, look at how angry you are. What'd you care about that house?

  Tony Soprano : It's not going to stop with the house. The three hundred dollar pillow which we're going to fuckin pay for, and the video equipment which you've already heard her talking about

  Carmela Soprano : [Referring to treating his anger and panic attacks]  When are you getting back into therapy?

  Tony Soprano : Hey, don't start with that ok? I am not fuckin insane and I am not overreacting because you don't know this retched, cunt... .

  Carmela Soprano : Alright, alright. This is getting you no place: go outside, join the party, be with your friends, have some pleasure... go ahead

  Tony Soprano : [Still in angry with Janice]  Fuckin bitch