- Noccus Johnstein: And now, Notcholeh, in honor of your arrival, join me as we blow the shofar.
- Notch Johnson: [glancing at their chauffer] He was a good driver and all, but can't we just throw him twenty bucks?
- Noccus Johnstein: I'm concerned about Hummus.
- Notch Johnson: Hummus? You mean the tasty chip dip made entirely of chickpeas?
- Noccus Johnstein: No. This is Hummus, the terrorist organization. Led by Osama bin *Layden*!
- Notch Johnson: Do you mean Osama bin Laden?
- Noccus Johnstein: No. He's bad, too. But I'm talking about Osama bin *Layden*!
- Notch Johnson: So, what's the deal with this Osama bin Layden?
- Noccus Johnstein: Well, Osama bin *Layden* has created a secret gas bomb. When it hits, you don't even realize it.
- Notch Johnson: The worst kind of gas... silent but deadly.
- Notch Johnson: Okay, gang, let's hit the mall and do some shopping.
- B.J. Cummings: Great. I want to buy some "Jew-veniers".
- Kimberlee Clark: How do we get there, Nocchus?
- Noccus Johnstein: Oh, you can't miss it. You see where those, uh, four Palestinians are?
- [machine gun fire in the distance]
- Noccus Johnstein: You see where those three Palestinians are? Right behind them.
- Chcch: Chip, you're German, right?
- Chip Rommel: Yeah.
- Chcch: Were your parents in the war?
- Chip Rommel: The war? My parents did not participate. And if they did, they were only following orders.
- Mohammed: Hello, my friend. Do you like to eat dates?
- Notch Johnson: Well, that's a very personal question. But I suppose it would depend on the girl.
- Mayor Anita Massengil: You must be worried sick that your daughter might get involved with a non-Jew.
- Noccus Johnstein: You mean a goy?
- [he shudders]
- Noccus Johnstein: Ooh. Do you have any idea what it's like to have a daughter?
- Mayor Anita Massengil: No, but I do have a son who wants to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
- Notch Johnson: [captured and put into slavery] Oh, Lord. I'm so hot and thirsty. If you hear me, please bring me something to drink.
- Schmuel: Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better.
- Notch Johnson: Thank you. Bless you.
- [taking a sip]
- Notch Johnson: Ahh, that hit the spot. What do you call this drink?
- Schmuel: Urine.
- [Notch glances at the bowl and back]
- Schmuel: Well, sometimes you just have to make do.
- Notch Johnson: Actually, it's not bad. But who had the asparagus?
- Noccus Johnstein: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to make Chip a Jew. Chip, pull down the ceremonial shorts so we can see what's under the hood.
- [Chip does so; his member lands with a thud, and onlookers gasp]
- Noccus Johnstein: Jesus H. Christ!