- Announcer: In last week's episode of SOAP, Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family. Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility, Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity, Elaine wants to marry him anyway! Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children.
- Harold Bronfman: Scared?
- Burt Campbell: [startled] What?
- Harold Bronfman: You're scared stiff.
- Burt Campbell: Hey, hey, I'm not scared stiff. What have I got to be scared stiff of?
- Harold Bronfman: Well, you got a guy talkin' to ya that changes hats every ten seconds. You got a lady over there who thinks NBC is trying to kill her by shooting death rays into her, so we can't watch Johnny Carson. Got a guy over there thinks he's the Incredible Hulk's cousin... by marriage.
- Burt Campbell: Okay, okay, so I'm a little scared.
- Harold Bronfman: You'd be crazy if you weren't.
- Jessica Tate: I am a curse. I am like one enormous jinx. If Edgar Allan Poe were alive he'd fall in love with me.
- E. Ronald Mallu: I move for dismissal!
- [courtroom bursts into applause]
- Judge Petrillo: Order! Order! Now, it seems Mr. Mallu is correct, Mr. Franklin. Unless you can give me a good reason to continue, I'm going to have to dismiss this case.
- Mr. Franklin: Alright! It was gonna be a surprise, but... Your honor, tomorrow you will hear testimony so startling, so damaging to the defendant that we'll be lucky if the jury doesn't leap over the railing and lynch her on the spot.
- Mary Campbell: [about Elaine] . Danny, she's awful! She's selfish and sarcastic, *pushy* tactless, and cruel, obnoxious.
- Danny Dallas: *And* her father will kill me if I *don't* marry her.
- Mary Campbell: People can change.