- Krusty the Clown: [dressed as a vampire; reading from an offscreen cue card] Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck!
- [pauses in confusion; reads from another card]
- Krusty the Clown: Your blood.
- Lady in Audience: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
- Jerry Springer: Homer.
- Lady in Audience: Nah, the green dude.
- [couch gag]
- Freddy Krueger: I don't get it. They should be here by now.
- Jason Voorhees: Ah, what are you gonna do?
- [Homer is dressed in tattered clothes, and eating beans from a can]
- Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?
- Homer Simpson: Going where?
- Bart Simpson: [pushes his food away] I just lost my appetite.
- Lisa Simpson: [pushes her food away] Me, too.
- Homer Simpson: [grabs Lisa's food] Wait, mine came back!
- Marge Simpson: [after the aliens left] Suckers!
- Homer Simpson: [to Maggie] Come on, Maggie. Let's go home.
- Maggie: [removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive!
- [laughs]
- Maggie: I need blood.
- Homer Simpson: [singing] Mama took those batteries / She took them away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!
- Kent Brockman: [grim] ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
- [brightens]
- Kent Brockman: On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
- Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.
- [Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee"]
- Regis: [cooking soup] I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing
- Kathie Lee: Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
- Regis: What?
- [Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it]
- Regis: Oh, gosh. This soup is out of control.
- [Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing]
- Regis: OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes!
- Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
- Regis: My eyes!
- Marge Simpson: [as the Jerry Springer show goes to commercial] I am so
- [Bleep]
- Marge Simpson: embarrassed!
- Chief Wiggum: At this time, we have no leads, but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
- Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
- Chief Wiggum: Aw, jeez, Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
- Marge Simpson: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer couldn't solve our problem.
- Lisa Simpson: And now he's dead.
- Homer Simpson: [the evil tupee grabs Bart's face] I'll show you hair!
- [Homer punches Bart four times]
- Bart Simpson: Ow, that's my face you idiot!
- Homer Simpson: IDIOT! Why you little!
- [strangles Bart]
- Homer Simpson: I'll show you! I'll kill you!
- Moe Szyslak: [coughing] Oh, God! You smokers disgust me. Hey 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
- Moe Szyslak: You're looking unusually focused this morning.
- Snake/Homer: Shut your squeal hole, booze-jockey!