- [Vampire Bart is about to bite Lisa]
- Homer Simpson: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis-
- [gasps, and pulls Lisa away from him]
- Homer Simpson: Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
- Grampa Simpson: [bursts into the room with a mallet and wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
- Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
- Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
- [runs off]
- Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
- Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
- Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
- Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.
- Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.
- Bart Simpson: Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...
- [Homer is looking at Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's "A Friend in Need"]
- Homer Simpson: AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!
- [laughs hysterically, and runs away shrieking]
- Bart Simpson: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense... so we just threw together something with vampires. Enjoy!
- ["Bart Simpson's Dracula" title card appears over the painting]
- Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...
- [sinisterly]
- Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
- Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
- Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
- [door opens]
- Homer Simpson: [reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
- Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
- Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
- [Looks at his watch]
- Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
- Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
- Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.
- Bart Simpson: [sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
- [Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]
- Otto: No problem-o, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it.
- [runs Moleman off the road]
- Hans Moleman: No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.
- [the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car explodes]
- Marge Simpson: Homer, we gotta do something. Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!
- Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
- [Homer has already scarfed the donut]
- Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
- Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...
- Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
- [Flanders turns into a huge demon]
- Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!
- [Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
- Lisa Simpson: Ew! Dad, this is blood!
- Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.
- [guzzles it down and sighs]
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
- Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
- Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!
- [Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]
- Demonic Torturer: So, you like donuts, eh?
- Homer Simpson: Um-hmm.
- Demonic Torturer: Well, have all the donuts in the world!
- [the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]
- Homer Simpson: More!
- Demonic Torturer: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
- Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wassn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
- Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!
- Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
- Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.
- Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
- Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
- [Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
- Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
- Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
- Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
- Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
- [She laughs demonically]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom?
- Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
- Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.
- [the cape says "DRACULA"]
- Kent Brockman: Police are baffled.
- Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian Wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.
- Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
- Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
- Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
- [the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
- Marge: Read the back, the back.
- Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
- Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
- Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
- Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!
- Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
- Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
- Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.
- Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
- Principal Skinner: Now, I've got the word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
- Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
- Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
- Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?
- Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.
- Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
- [Homer pulls open Burns' coffin]
- Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
- [aggressively pounds at the stake to no effect]
- Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
- Homer: [pulls the stake out with a nervous chuckle] Sorry!
- [He aims the stake over Burns' heart, and drives it through with a single whack. Mr. Burns screams and writhes in horror before dying and crumbling to dust]
- Homer: [relieved] Ahhh...
- Mr. Burns: [suddenly comes back to life] You're fired!
- [dies and crumbles to dust again]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
- Marge: But we did win.
- Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, there's something fishy about this whole set up.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
- [Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]
- Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.
- Blackbeard: Arrr! This chair be high, says I.
- Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.
- Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
- Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...
- Ned Flanders: Silence!
- [Bart awakens from a nightmare, and notices his sheets are wet]
- Bart Simpson: Ewww... I hope this is sweat.
- [Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it]
- Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time.
- [Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
- Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
- Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!
- Ned Flanders: I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a donut, which I delivered. And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!
- Ned Flanders: [enraged] All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut BE FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!
- [Zaps Homer's head]
- Homer: AAAAHHHH!
- Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.
- Bart Simpson: Hey.
- Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
- Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.
- Lisa Simpson: [vampires emerge from coffins and Bart is squeaking to warn Lisa] Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp.
- Lisa Simpson: [vampires are closing in and Bart makes another strange noise] Yeah, I've seen your Curly, too.
- [vampires are holding down Bart for Mr. Burns]
- Montgomery Burns: Well, if it isn't little... erm, boy!
- [snarls and bites Bart, who screams]
- Homer Simpson: It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to his country house in...
- [turns to the kids; dramatically]
- Homer Simpson: PENNSYLVANIA.
- [lighting strikes]