- Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.
- [the theme song for "The Love-Matic Grampa"]
- Theme Singers: While shopping for some cans / An old man passed away / He floated up towards Heaven / But got lost along the way / Now he's the Love-Matic Grampa / The wise, Socratic Grampa / He'll fill our hearts with love!
- [first lines]
- Troy McClure: Spin-off! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "After Mannix".
- Big Daddy: New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting.
- Seymour Skinner: Oh yeah, well that makes two of us.
- [Ralph is lying in bed]
- Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
- Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
- Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.
- Grampa: [delirious after the bullies beat up the machine] Tell her her rump's as big as the Queen's. And twice as fragrant!
- Troy McClure: Not long ago, the Fox network approached the producers of "The Simpsons" with a simple request- 35 new shows to fill a few holes in their programming lineup. That's a pretty daunting task. And the producers weren't up to it. Instead, they churned out three Simpsons spin-offs transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations.