The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Santa's Little Helper, Grampa Simpson, Cadet Anderson
Quotes
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[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
Chief Wiggum : You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer Simpson : Not very.
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Homer Simpson : [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
Bart Simpson : Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
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Marge Simpson : [after Bart's prank] Now, about your punishment, young man.
Bart Simpson : I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
Homer Simpson : Oh, no. Your room is full of toys. You're going to, uh... the garage.
Bart Simpson : [unbothered] You're the boss.
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Marge Simpson : Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.
The Commandant : Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart Simpson : "Freak-outs?"
Homer Simpson : If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
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[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson : [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa : [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum : [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson : [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson : -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson : That's better.
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Orderly : [answering a phone call] Simpson.
Grampa Simpson : Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.
Lisa : Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?
Grampa Simpson : Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.
[later]
Grampa Simpson : And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.
[even later]
Grampa Simpson : And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.
Lisa : Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?
Grampa Simpson : Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
Jasper : [the other retirees express their disinterest] Mm-mm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.
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The Commandant : Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
Lisa : [impressed] Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.
Homer Simpson : They sure are.
[throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain]
Homer Simpson : That's not so disciplined.
The Commandant : They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
Homer Simpson : Pfft! I guess.
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Homer Simpson : Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!
Lisa : And so am I.
[the family gasps]
Lisa : This school has everything I ever wanted.
Marge Simpson : Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
Bart Simpson : No jail can hold me!
[he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat]
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Cadet Anderson : Uh, hey, Simpson. What are you doing out here?
Bart Simpson : Nothing.
Cadet Anderson : Nothing? Doesn't look like nothing.
Bart Simpson : Oh, yeah? Well... um... what are you doing out here?
Cadet Anderson : Uh... also nothing.
Bart Simpson : Well. Okay.
Cadet Anderson : Okay.
Bart Simpson : Then carry on.
Cadet Anderson : All right, we will.
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Homer Simpson : [lazing on the couch, he hears the phone ring] Marge! You got that? Marge!
[nudging Santa's Little Helper off the couch with his feet]
Homer Simpson : Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone.
[SLH licks his face]
Homer Simpson : Oh!
[pressing buttons on the TV remote]
Homer Simpson : There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.
[the ringing stops]
Homer Simpson : [relieved] Ahh.
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Bart Simpson : Military school? You lied to me!
Homer Simpson : Well, I'm sorry if you *heard* "Disneyland," but I distinctly said "military school."