- Homer Simpson: [Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?
- Mrs. Krabappel: To Capitol City.
- Homer Simpson: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
- [Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]
- Agnes Skinner: We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
- Homer Simpson: And why is Marge here?
- [Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]
- Marge Simpson: I came up with the idea.
- Homer Simpson: And why am I here?
- Marge Simpson: Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
- Homer Simpson: And why are the kids here?
- [Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]
- Marge Simpson: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
- Homer Simpson: Then why is Grandpa here?
- [Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]
- Abe Simpson: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
- [Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]
- Abe Simpson: [to Agnes] Hello Beautiful.
- Agnes Skinner: In your dreams!
- Abe Simpson: We'll see about that!
- [He falls asleep]
- Abe Simpson: [Talking in his dream] Hello Beautiful.
- Superintendant Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
- Principal Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
- Marge Simpson: That's not a funny story.
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.
- Armin Tamzarian: Hello Edna, I know we were planning on seeing a movie tonight, but, instead I'm leaving town forever.
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together.
- [to Bart]
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Why don't you lead us, son?
- Bart Simpson: Hey, America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America.
- [makes a farting noise, the kids laugh]
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, that's very concise. But it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service to their country. Mrs. "Crabapple", the pledge, please?
- Mrs. Krabappel: You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant?
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Are you asking me out?
- Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.
- Miss Hoover: [to Lisa, who doesn't mind working on a school project with Ralph Wiggum] It's your funeral.
- Superintendant Chalmers: Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him. He's a war hero.
- Nelson Muntz: Ha Ha!
- [Skinner rides his bike, passing nearby Bart and other children]
- Bart: [confused] Principal Skinner?
- Principal Skinner: Up yours, children!
- Armin Tamzarian: As strange as it sounds, deep down I think she knew I wasn't her son but... a lie made us both happier than the truth ever could have.
- Armin Tamzarian: I don't know why I did what I did. I guess I couldn't bear to tell her about her son. What I did was wrong but... I'd do it again.
- Judge Snyder: By authority of the city of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future and mother.
- Armin Tamzarian: No gain.
- Judge Snyder: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened, and no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture!
- Bystanders: YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You've led quite a life, Tamzarian.
- Armin Tamzarian: It's your life. I just kept it warm for you.