- [Otto is playing the guitar in the garage. Homer comes in]
- Homer: Will you knock it off! I can't hear myself think.
- [Otto stops playing]
- Homer's Brain: I want some peanuts.
- Homer: That's better.
- Homer: That guy has gotta go.
- Marge: Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.
- [pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]
- Otto: So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind.
- [Lisa gasps]
- Otto: So, finally, she swerved off the road into the woods and lost the other car and that's when she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No-- he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
- Lisa Simpson: Did the maniac kill her?
- Otto: Natch. And you know how I know?
- Lisa Simpson: How?
- Otto: Because... I was that maniac.
- [Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]
- Otto: [hastily] Hey, I was just kidding.
- [Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage]
- Marge: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say "whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"
- Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"
- Nigel Tufnel: [addressing the crowd] We were told they knew how to rock in Shelbyville.
- [the crowd 'boos']
- Derek Smalls: But nobody rocks like...
- [looks on the back of his guitar where he has placed a reminder of the name of the town they're playing in]
- Derek Smalls: Springfield!
- Patty: [Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left] My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
- Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.
- Patty: [Drops green pen] I won't be needing this.
- Marge: Otto, you can't sit around the house watching TV all day.
- Otto: You know, you're right. I should do a little reading. You got any of those Where's Waldo books?
- Marge: No.
- Otto: Well, how about anything written from the vampire's point of view?
- Marge: No.
- Otto: Well, how about books where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?
- Marge: Otto, I think you should get a job!
- Otto: Look, the only thing I was ever good at was driving the bus and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.
- Marge: So get that piece of paper.
- Otto: I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try.
- [just before the show]
- David St. Hubbins: I just looked out and there's puddles of water all over the stage.
- Arena Manager: Well gentleman, four times a week this place is sort of a hockey rink.
- David St. Hubbins: Well this is a rock concert, not the bleedin... splish-splash show.
- Martin Prince: Although I'm sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus-mates, I must remind you we should have been at the school ten minutes ago.
- [gets wedgied]
- Martin Prince: AH!
- [after the bus crashes into the school]
- Principal Skinner: It's a miracle no one was hurt.
- Otto: I stand on my record-- 15 crashes and not a single fatality.
- Lou: Let's see your license, pal.
- Otto: No can do. Never got one. But, if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh wait-- these aren't mine.
- Principal Skinner: Well that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay.
- Otto: Who's gonna drive the bus?
- Principal Skinner: I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.
- Otto: Hey landlord, some clown changed the lock, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.
- Landlord: Yeah, that was me. You haven't paid your rent in three months, so I can't have you here anymore.
- Otto: Well, can't I at least grab my stuff?
- Landlord: All I found was a jar of mustard and some old issues of Playdude.
- Otto: Wow. I have mustard?
- Ralph Wiggum: He Steps on The Clutch and The Toilet Goes Flush Hail to The Bus Driver.
- Otto: Yea I all trough high school was play the guitar my old man said I was just wasting my time and I never amount to anything.