The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Otto Show (1992)

Harry Shearer: Marty, Derek Smalls, Otto, Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Otto needs to retake his driving test] 

  Bart : You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I ever met.

  Otto : Wow. I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it.

• Homer : That guy has gotta go.

  Marge : Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.

  [pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight] 

  Otto : So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind.

  [Lisa gasps] 

  Otto : So, finally, she swerved off the road into the woods and lost the other car and that's when she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No-- he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!

  Lisa Simpson : Did the maniac kill her?

  Otto : Natch. And you know how I know?

  Lisa Simpson : How?

  Otto : Because... I was that maniac.

  [Lisa's scream shakes the whole house] 

  Otto : [hastily]  Hey, I was just kidding.

• Patty : Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Washout.

  Otto : I wanna to take the test again.

  Patty : Why?

  Otto : So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big bald head!

  Patty : [interested]  Really?

• Otto : [preparing for his driving test]  "Alcohol increases your ability to drive."

  [checks the answer] 

  Otto : False? Oh, man!

• Nigel Tufnel : [addressing the crowd]  We were told they knew how to rock in Shelbyville.

  [the crowd 'boos'] 

  Derek Smalls : But nobody rocks like...

  [looks on the back of his guitar where he has placed a reminder of the name of the town they're playing in] 

  Derek Smalls : Springfield!

• Patty : [Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]  My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

  Otto : Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.

  Patty : [Drops green pen]  I won't be needing this.

• Otto : There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

  Marge : Well, before you do that, maybe you should take the driving test again.

  Otto : Dah, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time I'm hungover.

• Marge : Otto, you can't sit around the house watching TV all day.

  Otto : You know, you're right. I should do a little reading. You got any of those Where's Waldo books?

  Marge : No.

  Otto : Well, how about anything written from the vampire's point of view?

  Marge : No.

  Otto : Well, how about books where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?

  Marge : Otto, I think you should get a job!

  Otto : Look, the only thing I was ever good at was driving the bus and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.

  Marge : So get that piece of paper.

  Otto : I tried! Oh, Lord, how I did try.

• Homer : [to Otto, who's using the bathroom in Homer and Marge's bedroom]  Open up! Open up! I gotta go, and no fooling.

  Otto : [comes out the bathroom]  Hey, pop-n-Fresh.

  [pokes Homer in the stomach like he were the Pillsbury Doughboy] 

  Otto : You're supposed to giggle.

  [Homer growls angrily] 

• [after the bus crashes into the school] 

  Principal Skinner : It's a miracle no one was hurt.

  Otto : I stand on my record-- 15 crashes and not a single fatality.

  Lou : Let's see your license, pal.

  Otto : No can do. Never got one. But, if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh wait-- these aren't mine.

  Principal Skinner : Well that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay.

  Otto : Who's gonna drive the bus?

  Principal Skinner : I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.

• Otto : yes stand by my record 15 crashes and not a single fatality.

• Otto : Hey landlord, some clown changed the lock, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.

  Landlord : Yeah, that was me. You haven't paid your rent in three months, so I can't have you here anymore.

  Otto : Well, can't I at least grab my stuff?

  Landlord : All I found was a jar of mustard and some old issues of Playdude.

  Otto : Wow. I have mustard?

• Otto : Hey cool ax Bart dude let me see it.

• Otto : Yea I all trough high school was play the guitar my old man said I was just wasting my time and I never amount to anything.

• Principal Skinner : yes hail to the bus driver the bus driver man!