- Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
- [the entire audience, except Homer, laughs]
- Homer Simpson: I don't get it.
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
- Homer Simpson: I still don't get it.
- Lisa Simpson: It's just a joke.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it! I get jokes!
- [laughs]
- Janeane Garafolo: I got my period today.
- Marge Simpson: [spits out her drink in shock] Oh, good lord!
- Janeane Garafolo: Plus I got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
- Homer Simpson: [laughing hysterically] Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!
- [thumps his fists loudly on the table, while he laughs]
- Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
- Bart Simpson: Dad!
- Homer Simpson: You too, Bart!
- Marge Simpson: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
- Homer Simpson: [shocked, hurt] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!
- [Homer walks into the bathroom to use the lavatory]
- Bart Simpson: Dad!
- Homer: [laughs] Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.
- Bart Simpson: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
- Homer Simpson: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him!
- Reporter: [When Krusty announces his retirement from show business] But, Krusty, why now? Why not 20 years ago?
- Krusty the Clown: 'Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: "Nobody cares."
- [Everyone laughs]
- Jay Leno: Hey, I washed your hair.
- Krusty the Clown: Comedy isn't funny anymore... You've got some big chinned slob reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here's a headline for ya. Nobody cares!
- Bart Simpson: And then of course there's Mom who sounds something like this.
- [Bart ties a blue blanket around his head to resemble Marge's hair]
- Bart Simpson: [in a shaky voice] Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea.
- [groans]
- Homer Simpson: [Homer and Lisa laugh] Take that, Marge!
- [Marge groans]
- Bart Simpson: [to Jay Leno] Anyway, don't you have some advice for Krusty?
- Jay Leno: Well, these days, people like observational humor about things they deal with in everyday life.
- Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they're still covered with schmutz?
- Jay Leno: Well, kind of, but more universal. And maybe lose the "me so solly" bit.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, whoa, whoa. Let's not tamper with a classic.
- Krusty the Clown: Shut up, kid. Come on, Leno. Tamper, teach, impart.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, P-U, what where you drinking, gasoline?
- Krusty the Clown: Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!
- Sideshow Mel: [to Krusty] They say any publicity is good publicity.
- Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.
- [Mr. Teeny makes chittering noises]
- Krusty the Clown: Aw, that's your answer to everything! Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a... I don't know what the hell you are.
- Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you're sober.
- Krusty the Clown: [When Bart and Jay Leno are giving Krusty a bath and washing his hair] Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right? Answer me!
- Jay Leno: Yes! Now stop squirming. I'm trying to get these tangles out.
- Bart: They are just impossible.
- [Jay Leno gives him a look]
- Bart: Well, they are.
- Krusty the Clown: [reading the review of the benefit in the newspaper] "Last night's charity benefit brought wall-to-wall laughs without exception." Phew! "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack..."
- [turns pages]
- Krusty the Clown: Yeah, yeah, yeah. "KRUSTY THE CLOWN?"
- [sobs]
- Krusty the Clown: No!
- Homer Simpson: [burning his money] Take that, you greedy fat cats! Marge, give me your purse!
- Marge Simpson: [quickly to Lisa] Here's $42. It's everything I have. Run home and bury it in the yard!
- Lisa Simpson: [taking the money] I love you, mom.
- [Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]
- Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.
- Bart: Dad!
- Homer Simpson: You too, Bart.
- Marge: Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.
- Homer Simpson: Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.
- Janeane Garafolo: [sighs] I got my period today.
- Marge Simpson: [spits out her drink] Good lord!
- Janeane Garafolo: Plus got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
- Homer: [laughing hysterically] Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!
- [thumps his fists on the table]
- Todd Flanders: [after Rod and Todd find Krusty passed out in their backyard] Wow, a clown. Do you think he's evil?
- Rod Flanders: [sniffs Krusty] He smells evil.
- Todd Flanders: Should we tell Daddy?
- Bart: No, let's poke him a little while longer.
- Bart: Hey, get away from him, you little freaks!
- [Rod and Todd run back into their house screaming]
- Bobcat Goldthwait: Krusty you're the reason I got into comedy before you I was going to be a doctor.