- Father Sean: [recalling what St. Peter said to him] Sean, you wanker, repent of your wicked ways or sod off.
- Marge: [to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you.
- Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
- Homer: [after Homer confesses his sins] Woohoo! I'm clean! In your face, lord!
- Father Sean: Not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic.
- Homer: Riiiiight. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?
- Homer Simpson: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?
- Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
- Homer Simpson: What?
- Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.
- Father Sean: [laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...
- Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
- Homer: Bart, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's MY thing!
- Father Sean: We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever! Well, except for... you know.
- [long, awkward pause. Homer coughs uncomfortably]