The Simpsons (TV Series)
Monty Can't Buy Me Love (1999)
Harry Shearer: 'Cash In Your Legacy' Host, Otto, Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman, Lenny, Willie's Dad, Man #2, Man #4
Quotes
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Burns : Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer Simpson : I see. Well... I'll need some beer.
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Burns : And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer Simpson : Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!
Burns : If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
Homer Simpson : A sober Irishman?
Burns : Even rarer.
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Mr. Burns : [after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie : [once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.
Homer : [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer : God, it's him!
Mr. Burns : Come on boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns : Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]
Groundskeeper Willie : [in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns : I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!
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Kent Brockman : Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat. And it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way girls, he's single!
Selma Bouvier : Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.
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Jerry Rude : So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns : Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.
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Mr. Burns : Now, Mr. Rude, I want you to know I'm a good sport, so if you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews, have at it!
Jerry Rude : Uh-huh. Alright.
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Jerry Rude : Question 2. How long is your weiner, seriously?
Mr. Burns : Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?
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Otto : [listens to new music and gives a raspberry] New music? Man, all these bands are just ripping off Judas Priest.
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Homer : [after Mr. Burns got blinded by camera flashes at the unveiling of the Loch Ness Monster and accidentally set the stage on fire] If you wanted people to love you. You sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
Mr. Burns : You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being loved I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank. And that fits me like a Speedo.
Homer : [the Loch Ness Monster nuzzles Mr. Burns and Homer, sort of purring] So. What do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?
Mr. Burns : No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
Homer : [cut to the Vegas Town Casino, where The Loch Ness Monster is wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, also half the size it originally was, Homer takes the free pull on a slot machine and results "jackpot, jackpot, lemon"] Doh!
Mr. Burns : Tough luck. Simpson.
Homer : Come on Nessie, one more pull.
[Nessie kind of roars]
Homer : Okay. Okay. Want a shrimp cocktail?
[Nessie shakes its head]
Homer : Yeah. They're not great.
